Q and A

Question

How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?

I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.

I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.

I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.

Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.

Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.

The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.

Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.

If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.

Do not let this one rejection determine your future.

Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.

NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.

148 comments

  1. Zandile

    Hi, am Zandile and am 17 years old I also find out that I am HIV positive and I do get support from my family my boyfriend is 22 years old I don’t know if I have to tell him or what I never cheated on him . I just don’t know how to tell him to go and get tested

  2. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Zandile,

    If you’ve been having sex with your boyfriend when you didn’t know that you were positive its very possible that he may also be positive. Therefore, though it may be hard its important that he gets tested.

  3. Simon Collins

    Hi Gloria, thank you for your email. It sounds like none of this was expected so it must be a difficult time. It will get much easier though and the HIV meds are very effective.

    Is there a health advisor or counsellor at your clinical or hospital? This might be a good person to talk to first as they will have more time to listen in detail. They can also talk about the different support groups available where you live. Talking to other people who have gone through this can also help.

    You are never likely to know whether you or your husband became HIV positive first – just that you are now in this situation together. Hopefully you will both be able to find a way to talk through the new situation. you are both likely to need treatment and will have each other to learn about your options.

    These two links might also help.

    Just diagnosed:
    http://i-base.info/just-found-out

    Who can I talk to>
    http://i-base.info/who-can-i-talk-to/

  4. gloria

    my husband was just given odimune drugs,last month when it was his diabetic appointment,he came home and asked me what area they for and asked me to Google them,i said how can they give u pills and not explain,he must ask his doctor next appointment and when i was alone was curious to knw i googled,then i knew are ARV’s and i went to the clinic i found out that i am hiv postive! how do i tell him that we are both hiv postive and after i googled now are know the truth

  5. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Shameara,

    Reading the above post and its comments might help. The fact is, there’s no set way in which to disclose to a sexual partner.

  6. Shameara

    How do you tell someone you are dating or want to date you have HIV

  7. lazy

    Very gooԁ post. I ⅽertainly apprеciate this website.
    Keep it up!

  8. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Juliet,

    The reason why your partner hasn’t contracted HIV from you is because you’re on meds and your viral load is undetectable. Please see here for more info:

    http://i-base.info/htb/32308

    Hiding the truth from him, I suspect is hard. Though we can’t tell you what to do as there’s no right way to tell someone about being positive have you thought about asking him what his opinion is about HIV? Being able to share the facts with him might help.

  9. Juliet

    Hi, I’m HIV Positive with a non detectable viral load,my boyfriend is negative.. my boyfriend and I have been having unprotected sex and he still test negative, so he thinks I’m also negative since he tested negative, He loves me, he is so sweet to me, he always tells me that he trust me, he likes to say we shouldnt cheat on each other so that we stay negative, but I’m positive already, everytime I have to take my meds I have to hide so that he doesnt see me, But I’m tired of hiding anymore, how do I tell him I’m positive??he’s even intending to marry me….

  10. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Frank,

    It sounds like you need some support. Is there anyone you can talk to? Is there a support group near to where you live?

    Sometimes it can be hard to tell someone about your status, especially when that person is close to you and you think you may have infected them. It is however possible. Even if it may be hard. How you do this is up to you. However, if you think you may have infected your partner, she deserves to know. That way if she is positive, she can begin to take control of her HIV. Just like you are able to do.

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