10 top tips: Telling your partner or child that you are living with HIV

Angelina Namiba, 4M network
My Health, My Choice, My Child, My Life
4mmm.org

The following 10 tips were developed by women who are living with HIV.

PDF slides of these tips.

Introduction

  • Telling someone you have HIV can be challenging. Telling someone close to you can be even more challenging. Telling a child can be daunting.
  • There is no right or wrong way to do it.
  • We all hope for a good reaction when we tell. This may not always be the case.
  • The important thing is for you to be as well prepared as you can be for whatever reaction you may get.

1. Decide who you want to tell… and why?

  • Telling others about your HIV status should first and foremost be of benefit to you.
  • You should be the one to make the decision to tell.
  • You should not tell because someone else is forcing you to do it.

2. Choose a time and place that you are comfortable with.

  • Make sure that you will not be rushed or disturbed. (Remember, mobile phones can be a real menace!).
  • You can ask someone you trust and who already knows your status to be with you, if that will make it easier for you.

3. Be prepared with basic information about HIV.

Find out the correct facts about:

  • HIV is/is not passed on. (See link)
  • How treatment works to keep you well.
  • Explain simply about U=U.
    Someone with an undetectable viral load cannot pass HIV on to an unborn child or sexual partner.
  • Reassure them that with treatment care and support, you can live well for many years. That people living with HIV can have children if that is what you/they want. That they can have a relationship and get married. They can work and do everyday activities. This is important to tel the child too if they are living with HIV.

No 4. Try not to make HIV a big deal.

Say things like:

“I live with HIV. This is just a small virus. It is only a small part of me, and there is lots more to me than this.”

or

“Without treatment HIV would make my immune system weak. This would make it difficult to fight off infections that don’t affect people without HIV. This is why I take medication called ART. These meds are really effective. They also protect my partners.”

or

“HIV meds meds make my immune system strong. It means that HIV doesn’t stop me from doing everyday activities, like sports, swimming, etc.”

5. Explain that you are telling them because you trust them.

  • Ask them to please not share your information with others (if that is what you wish).
  • Explain that this is because not everybody is understanding.
  • Explain that many people do not have the right information about HIV.
  • Say that you have chosen to tell them because you trust them.
  • Say that you value their friendship and your relationship with them etc.

6. Ask them to ask you if they have any questions or concerns about what you have shared with them.

Important: If they ask you a question you cannot answer, you can say, “I am not sure about that, but I will get back to you with the correct information.”

7. You don’t need/have to tell on your own.

There are many people or organizations who can help you. These include:

  • HIV support charities such as CHIVA (for telling children & young people) – UK based charity.
  • Your clinic doctor or nurse or health adviser/other healthcare providers can also help you or refer you to someone at the hospital who works with children/young people/adults, to support you around telling/sharing your HIV status with others.

8. Remember that talking about HIV is your choice.

  • Whether you tell other people about your HIV is completely up to you.
  • Speak to other parents/carers and your peers, who have already told their children or significant others.
  • You might be surprised by how many people have had positive reactions.

9. What if the person you tell does not respond as well?

  • Please remember that for adults, that says more about them than it does about you. There could be lots of reasons why they react negatively. They might be scared or in denial. Their information may be very out-of-date. They may not know about modern ART. Or about U=U.
  • It does not mean that you won’t have positive reactions in the future.
  • Before you tell someone decide who will support you if the rection is not good.

10. The power of peer support.

  • If you are not sure that you are ready to tell, please speak to other people who have already done this.
  • This might be people who have told their parents, carers or friends.
  • If you are a young person, talk to other young people who have told others.
  • Listen to their experiences.
  • Ask them what worked for them.
  • Other service can sometimes help. This includes HIV charities and your HIV clinic,
  • Family and friends who already know your status can also help.

Last updated: 21 April 2025.