Question
How do I start a new relationship after diagnosis?
14 June 2012. Related: All topics.
I was diagnosed on 4 December 1998. I’ve been on treatment since the January as my viral load was of 250,000 and CD4 was way down.
Now I’m doing great. I am a 62 1/2 year old female. I’ve got lots of other issues, Bipolar, etc taking lots of meds and generally ache all over not constantly.
Now, the thing is, I’ve left my husband who never got it, he got everything else I had though.
Now a voice from the past has turned up. I’ve had no viral load for at least 5 years and my CD4 is over 1000.
I just don’t know how to approach it sex wise.
Answer
It’s great that you have had a good response to your treatment and are doing so well.
In response to your question, I can appreciate that starting a new relationship can be challenging for many at times. Living with HIV and starting a new relationship after being married must have
it’s own challenges too. These include how and when to disclose your status and negotiating using condoms.
However, the good news is that many people living with HIV continue to have fulfilling sexual relationships. Many of them are in sero-different relationships (where one partner is HIV positive and the other one is not).
You mention that you have a A CD4 count of 1000. This is really good as it indicates that you have a strong immune system. Having an undetectable viral load is also good as you are less likely to transmit HIV to future partners. This is because studies have shown that being stable on treatment and having an undetectable viral load dramatically reduces the risk of passing HIV on to a negative partner.
I am aware that it is not possible to cover many of the issues you may want to discuss in detail, in an email. A health advisor or counsellor at your clinic can help you talk through any additional questions you may have.
Alternatively, as you are based in Ireland, a second option is to contact the Open Heart House. Open Heart House are an organisation in Dublin who provide a range of services for people living with HIV.
If however, you feel that you would prefer to speak to another woman living with HIV, then please do call our helpline and I’ll be happy to talk to you. Our helpline number is 0808 800 6013. It’s open from Monday to Wednesday from 12.00 – 4.00pm and is free from UK landlines and most mobile phone
networks.
Best wishes
Hi Gina,
I’m really sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Do you have any support near to you to deal with these feelings? You mentioned above that you suffer from Bipolar, are you receiving any assistance dealing with this?
I can understand that you are wary about speaking to people about living with HIV, especially since you live in a small town. But it can really help to get some support. A counselor or support group could be a good option and your doctor should be able to put you in touch with somebody. Life doesn’t have to end because of HIV and while your health is so good HIV shouldn’t stop you living how you want to.
Thanks everybody for your comments. I left him by the way :). I’m not ready to start over with all that garbage really, let alone talk to somebody new about my “problem”. I live in a tiny town so if word got out I’d be sunk! I know it means being lonely but it’s better to be lonely out of a relationship than in one which was my case. I do have lots of friends all over the world – thank goodness for the internet. I’m on Kivexa and Viramune.
People say it’s great you are so healthy but is it really? I feel my life ended with the diagnosis – I used to be free with wonderful well paid job but it was in a hospital and I got fired so my days of travel were ended. I never wanted to settle down on some kind of allowance from the goverment for which I have to beg but that’s where I am now. No I don’t think it’s wonderful they kept me alive and if I had known then how it would affect me I wouldn’t have taken the meds. A friend went that route and I can understand it perfectly. Now there is a wall between me and any new people I meet, even with those I know but who don’t know.
Hi Ben,
HIV should not stop you having a relationship whenever you are ready to. I am sorry to hear that your current partner has left you. Some people find an HIV diagnosis too difficult to deal with. But not everybody will react this way.
Your CD4 is very strong. UK guidelines recommend starting treatment with a CD4 of 350 so you are still well above this point.
If i may ask, how long is the lady been on treatment and which combination she is using. My current partner has left me because she was negative when i tested positive in 2010. I am not yet on treatment but my DR says my CD 4 is not bad, it is 640. So when is the right time for me to start a relationship. Thank you for your hel.