Question
How can I tell my partner after 3 months that I’m positive?
1 February 2018. Related: All topics, Disclosure.
i’m HIV positive and it been 10 years now i have a baby girl which is negative.
i didn’t planned to have unprotected sex with that guy because i ddnt disclose my status. But one day he insisted to have sex and there were no condoms than i agreed i got preg. I took meds during my pregnancy thats why my baby is ok.
I dated another guy he works in hospital labs i told him i thought he would understand but he didn’t and after 2 months he left me.
Now I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months and he wants to settle down. He wants to get married but i haven’t told him about my status. Now I am scared as I don’t want to loose him. I also don’t want to break his heart hes been a lot already.
I tried telling him over weekend but i couldn’t, please help.
Answer
Thanks for getting in touch.
Telling someone you’re positive, as you know can be hard. Some people understand, whereas other do not.
Maybe see how he reacts in a general conversation – not about you but maybe a friend or someone in the news. Then based on their response decide based on your instinct. If you think he’ll understand then tell him.
Being able to answer questions that he might have may help. For example, he may ask if he’s at risk. If you’re on medication and your viral load is undetectable, then you can them him this.
Many people are still frightened about HIV and don’t know the treatment prevents any risk. Please Google U=U for more info on this.
Hopefully he will also ask how you feel and how you manage this. About you about your quality of life. If you can share with him what you know about HIV that might help.
Hi Fun,
Its not possible for me to tell you how to discuss your status with your partner. However, if you know he’s positive you may just want to be open about your status. It shouldn’t be an issue, as you’re both positive.
My partner is on Hiv treatment so am i also problem he doesn’t know that i know he is on treatment and he also does not know either i am so how can i disclose my status its been 3yrs dating and i have 3yrs on my treatment, i need help please
Hi Teboho,
I’m sorry, this sounds like a tough time.
But how are you and your baby now? And please let us know what meds you are taking. Do you have access to your CD4 count and viral load?
Please see the Q&A on how do I tell my partner I’m HIV positive. I hope this is a help.
I got pregnant last year I have 4 yrs I’m positive I met with my father of my child 2017 November on our first date we where happy and drunked we have unprotected sex so I thought about the sex and i didn’t ask him to use condom even him he did the same , so I got a hard time to tell him that I’m positive until I have a baby with him ,so last week he got my meds and it pushes me to tell the truth and the time I was needing him he was pushinge away I was alone.
Hi Samantha,
Your partner’s plan sounds lovely! The good news is that being HIV positive can be fine if you want to have children. And being on HIV treatment is part of this.
What does your doctor say about it? It can help if you talk to them about living with HIV and trying for a baby. It can be important to have the clinic involved. You can also discuss any worries you have about getting pregnant at 20.
In the meantime here’s the guide to HIV, pregancy and women’s health.
I told my partner about my hiv status… He told me nothing has changed… He still loves me for i didn’t choose to be born hiv positive… M 20 years old, he said he wants to build a family with me…
My problem is m afraid of the consequences of getting pregnant @ this age …even worse being hiv positive
Hi Anonymous,
Firstly if you’re on medication and your viral load is undetectable then there’s no risk of your transmitting HIV to this guy. Please see here: http://i-base.info/u-equals-u/ What’s concerning is that you didn’t have control when you were having sex. No man has the right to dictate how women should have sex. Its your body and your right to have control over it.
With regards to telling him, only you can decide how to do this.
Hi I have been positive for 7 years now and on meds since 2016, viral is been undetectable for over year and some months. I have just dating a guy for a month now and this week had unprotected sex twice. He insisted on it when I tried to stop him but we both don’t know each other statuses. Am scared to disclose mine as I don’t know his and i also fear rejection. Please help.
Hi Kim,
One way to look at this might be if you think your partner really just wants to settle. Perhaps, you can think about ways to tell him with better information about HIV in 2018. The PARTNER study showed there were zero transmissions of HIV when the positive partner’s viral load was undetectable. This study used a viral load of under 200 as the figure for undetectable.
You can talk to your doctor to make sure your meds are working well and keeping your viral load below 50.
I have been living positively too for the past 6 months and my viral load was 84 in Jan… But I have a problem have told a lot of potential partners on my HIV status but they have rejected me… But there is one who is a potential partner and he wants to settle but right now I’m really scared to tell him about it… Pliz help! How do I start?