Q and A

Question

How can I tell my partner after 3 months that I’m positive?

i’m HIV positive and it been 10 years now i have a baby girl which is negative.

i didn’t planned to have unprotected sex with that guy because i ddnt disclose my status. But one day he insisted to have sex and there were no condoms than i agreed i got preg. I took meds during my pregnancy thats why my baby is ok.

I dated another guy he works in hospital labs i told him i thought he would understand but he didn’t and after 2 months he left me.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months and he wants to settle down. He wants to get married but i haven’t told him about my status. Now I am scared as I don’t want to loose him. I also don’t want to break his heart hes been a lot already.

I tried telling him over weekend but i couldn’t, please help.

Answer

Thanks for getting in touch.

Telling someone you’re positive, as you know can be hard. Some people understand, whereas other do not.

Maybe see how he reacts in a general conversation – not about you but maybe a friend or someone in the news. Then based on their response decide based on your instinct. If you think he’ll understand then tell him.

Being able to answer questions that he might have may help. For example, he may ask if he’s at risk. If you’re on medication and your viral load is undetectable, then you can them him this.

Many people are still frightened about HIV and don’t know the treatment prevents any risk. Please Google U=U for more info on this.

Hopefully he will also ask how you feel and how you manage this. About you about your quality of life. If you can share with him what you know about HIV that might help.

On our site we have a lot of useful info.

30 comments

  1. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Hannah,

    I’m sorry to hear your story.

    Telling people you have HIV can be very difficult, especially telling your sexual partners. If you are worried about how your husband will react can you get support to help you deal with this? Is there somebody at the clinic that could help? Or there might be a local support organisation. And you can ask about this at doctors.

    But if you are taking HIV treatment (ART) and your viral load is undetectable the HIV risk to your husband is zero. Could this help you explain when you’re ready?

    There’s more info about Undetectable = Untransmittable (U=U) here.

  2. HANNAH

    i am HIV positive am married i realy want 2 tell my husband that am positive but i dnt knw how to and since i find out dt am positive i hv nt told any1 up till bcos am afarid and we hv been hvin unprotected sex,he dnt like using condom and i love my husbnd, i feel guilty for keep it away frm him pls help me how can i open up to him

  3. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Pee,

    It’s great to hear that your best friend has been so supportive, I’m sure they’ve been really helpful in helping you come to terms with your status.
    With regards to your partner, unless your viral load is undetectable (do you know what yours is?) they’ll be at risk if you have sex without a condom. So it’s up to you about how you deal with your current situation.

    I’m not going to lie, telling a sexual partner that you care about can be very hard, it’s hard because we don’t know how they’ll react. However, if you see this as being a serious relationship, then being honest, is in my personal opinion the best thing to do. Yes there’s a possibility that your partner may not take the news very well, however they may be perfectly fine. HIV is no longer the health condition it used to be, it’s easy to treat and positive people aren’t any different to negative people. Being able to explain this and being able to answer any questions that he may have could help.

    The thing to remember is that you’ve done nothing wrong and that you deserve to be with someone who accepts you for who you are.

  4. Pee

    Hie

    I’m HIV positive and i havent told.my boyfriend yet. I have known for 3months now and i havent told anyone exerpt my bestfriend who has been very supportive since day 1. We have been having protected sex all along bjt now he wants unprotected. I havent.got the courage to tell him yet at the same tym i dont want to infect him. We havent tested together before. I dont want to lose him

  5. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Loriet,

    We get asked this question a lot. I wish that there was an easy answer to it, however there just isn’t. How people tell sexual partners varies from person to person. As you know from experience some people get it, whereas others don’t. I think that being undetectable helps, because once someone is undetectable they can’t transmit HIV to their sexual partners, however this again will vary.

    Have you tried asking him what his thoughts are around HIV?

  6. Loriet

    Hie my name is Loriet l was diagnosed with HIV in January and have been taking my meds religiously and had been single all along since my diagnoses not by choice but dating a guy in the early stages and l opened up to him about my status and he broke up with me. I recently met a guy and we just clicked and we love love each other but haven’t told him am HIV positive yet in fear of rejection. Today he suggested that we go for an HIV test and l said okay but l am scared l really don’t want to do the HIV test with him since am not yet undetectable and l just don’t have the guts to tell him my status. We have had safe sex twice. Please help what should I do

  7. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Celia,

    I’m sorry to hear your story, it sounds very tough.

    But can you ask at the clinic or the doctors for someone who can help? What country do you live in? There could be local support organisations that can help you.

  8. Celia

    hi,

    am HIV positive n mother of two. I knew about my status in 2004. but kept it as a secret to e father of my kids till when I was about to have my second child coz I gave my life to Christ. he left me n e kids. it’s been four to five now since he left but keep coming n even asking for sex n is living w another woman. my viral load is undetected n believing am healed. my question, how can I stop him fr coming towards me? coz he maltreats me even in front of my kids n even when coming he doesn’t offer support to us instead he steals fr me n take anything in my house wout my permission. I don’t look for him neither do I call him. suitors hv been coming knowing am positive, but he threatens them. pls I need ur help. I hv so much to explain but can’t put it all here. I need ur help pls.

  9. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Kay,

    As Lisa says, telling someone you love that you’re positive can be hard.

    But it’s important for your health and your baby’s health that you think about starting HIV treatment (ART). Have you talked to the clinic about this?

    Here’s the guide to HIV pregnancy and women’s health. There’s a lot of info here that can help you discuss ART with your doctor.

    Knowing about ART might help you talk to your boyfriend about your diagnosis. If he is HIV negative ART can also protect him against HIV. Here’s the link to U=U.

  10. Kay

    Hi

    I’m HIV positive and pregnant. I don’t know how or when I got infected. My boyfriend does not know I’m HIV positive and we have been together for 6 years now and we have never tested together. I just discovered I’m positive and pregnant at the same time. My CD4 count is 118. I don’t know how to tell him I’m positive. He already knows I’m pregnant but not HIV positive. Please help. Kay

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