Question
I have infected my partner. What shall I do?
23 March 2009. Related: All topics, HIV transmission.
Hi, thanks for the great site.
Thinking it would be safe I recently had unprotected sex outside of my relationship, and discovered soon after that I contracted HIV and then in turn infected my 23 year old partner.
I am a lot older than him and so feel terribly guilty that his young and future life is and will be severly affected now because of my stupid weakness!
I am wondering if there is anything that can be said to help me let go of the guilt as I’m finding it difficult to live with myself?
Answer
I am really sorry to hear about this.
Yes, HIV changes the life of everybody. It is true, however, that nowadays the dynamics of treatment have changed greatly compared to even 5-6 years ago. If one is lucky, then the treatment consists of one or only several pills a day. The possible side effects (if any) are mild to moderate and last only for a while.
In some occasions, complications are still possible though and the life expectancy is lower and risk of development of complications higher in HIV-positive people than in HIV-negative. This is the general picture.
I am far away from the thought of being moralistic or judgemental, but in your case several things can be said:
– It is usually a difficult task to assess when somebody was infected. Either of you could have been infected for years, unless you can clearly pinpoint the time and have been tested before that.
– You did not know that you were going to get infected, so there was no intentional transmission on your side
– The infection has already happened and perhaps it is more productive to concentrate on how to deal with it and going ahead now, as it may pose some difficulties in the beginning. I am afraid, one cannon un-infect himself at this time.
– Finally, even if in some cases the infection leads to breaking up, in others it becomes a uniting factor and makes the relationship stronger.
Just wanted to say that my relationship was falling apart and had got to the stage of counselling sessions. Then I had a fling and later the diagnosis came. It was difficult at first but we haven’t looked back since, we value what we have, we ignore or discuss what we don’t like and we spend all our time looking to the future and the happiness that we can have as a family. The support is there when we need help and understanding is there when we want some quiet time. I can’t believe that such a negative thing has had such a positive affect on our lives.
Nobody is perfect! You are human…just the same as everyone else. I am sorry to hear your story. Things will be OK.