Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
I met this guy and I’m afraid of telling him about my status.He is planning to have a future with Me like he wants us to get married but I have this secret that is eating life.I even thought of sending him an sms to inform him.I don’t know what to do please help.
Hi Joyful,
As this thread explains, there isn’t an prescriptive way for how to tell someone that you care about that you’re positive. In my personal opinion, being ready to answer questions is helpful and explaining to them that they aren’t at risk. This is if you’re on medication and your viral load is undetectable. Please see Q14 here:
https://i-base.info/qa/what-are-the-most-asked-questions
Also being able to reassure them that you’re ok is helpful.
As a starting point have you thought about bringing up the issue of HIV into conversation?
I am a mother of 2,but with my second child,I was diagnosed hiv +. I was devastated& happy to be pregnant again after 18 years& I was madly in love with this man.He left me just like that after I gave him the news that I’m pregnant&refuse to have any contact with me,as if I gave him the virus.My beautiful daughter is now 3&i haven’t been with anyone since&only 2 of my family members knows& 1 friend,who turned & made a gossip story out of my status. I met someone but the disclosing is so hard,as I really like this guy.how do I get to tell him so he does not run away.
Hi Doris,
Yes, agreed! You can read all about U=U (Undetectable = Untransmittable). And if you’d like more info, here’s the Partner study showing zero transmissions after sero-different couples had condomless sex more than 58,000 times!
I wish we could better educating people on HIV.
Like with commercials. Explaining how safe it is to date a HIV individual; especially someone who is undetectable.
My heart bleds for innocent people who are being stigmatized. Is there a community of educators who are involved in research that a HIV individual could join, and possibly meeting others who are not afraid to date a single heterosexual female.
Hi Sarah,
This can be the same for someone who is HIV negative. Everyone can get worried about rejection when in a relationship. But can you talk to the clinic about this for support? Being scared in any relationship can be stressful. It’s a good idea to try to find a nurse or doctor to talk to about it.
Hi, I was put on ARVs I am grateful that I am still healthy and fit, but the the challenges was to disclose which led to rejections and hurts until a met someone whom is hiv negative and understood and accepted me but I must I admit that I have settled for less, I am trapped as I am scared of facing more rejections if I quit this relationship.
Hi Molebogeng,
I’m sorry, this sounds tough. But it’s also true that many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected. . . So can you. Finding the right person to love can be difficult for many HIV positive people. But you are young. There is plenty of time to get married and have kids. Your experience will make sure you recognise the right guy when he comes along.
I have been hiv for the past three years and every time i find a guy i always try as much as possible to disclose to them but they will run off like nothing ever happened today i broke up with someone I loved after disclosing he began to be distance I could feel it that am about to face yet another rejection how do I cope with knowing that am hiv,that I will never get married nor have kids I am 26 and I feel so lonely everyday
I’m negative but open to dating a person that is positive, for me and most others it’s about the connection we can have and not the virus, every single one of you is worthy of love and don’t you ever forget it