Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
It is better to accept your status and understand that HIV is not a death sentence to you. This will help you not to procrastinate telling your potential partner. Telling them early before the relationship can take even a minute it is better.
1. You’re not yet attached to each other. 2. It will gain you more respect and build more trust. 3. If they don’t accept you it is their loss and they were never meant to be with you. It will hurt you more if you wait for a relationship to be established first.
HIV doesn’t define who we are!!!! We’re perfect human beings.
#by the way the advice I gave above has worked very well for me. I got married and divorced and I’m now getting married again. I have much confidence in myself despite the condition. And even when I disclose it I do it to the favour of the man I tell. I would say “I hear you say you love me but I was diagnosed with HIV and happily living my life. What about you? Have you tested?” Would you be okay being in a relationship with me?
Then whatever answer I would get I would welcome. But mostly they would say I don’t have a problem with that, thank you for being honest and I love you more for that.
Just show it in your face that, that is nothing to you, make them wonder. The problem is when you will be disclosing it while in fear, tears and feeling sorry for yourself. Hello, who has time for pity parties? Men especially are scare to deal with sick women
Generally when a woman in a serious relationship or marriage disclosed to her husband that she’ sick, the first thing that comes to a man’s mind is “who will I be with should she die? I better have a rebound.” So show them that HIV is nothing.
Thanks Family
Your comments made my day. Am in the same situation. I will tell him when the time is right. What I do is making sure I protect him and our children.
Life goes on.
Dear Mahlatse,
I’m sorry that you have been in tears reading these comments. And you are right, disclosing to a partner can be tough. But thank you for your comments because you explain so well how this can be complex and very stressful – and hurt. Do you have someone to support you? Perhaps the Treatment Action Campaign could help. Here’s a link to their page about building local activism. They might be able to put you in touch with other people who have faced the same experiences and help you through this difficult time.
Best wishes, Roy
I am in tears reading all these comments. I have been on treatment for 20yrs and very healthy. Am in a relationship for almost a year now and have not disclosed due to fear of rejection and stigma. At the early stages of our relationship, my partner’s comments around the condition were very negative and full of stigma which made me very uncomfortable and unsettled but I was too scared to disclose and often got very defensive whenever he spoke negatively about people with the condition. I still stayed in the relation with so much confusion on whether to quit, tell or what. I slowly indirectly educated him on the condition and he slowly started sounding like he understands and no longer had negative comments about the people living with the condition. So I asked him what his thoughts were about not dating a person with the condition which he said, one never know what the future holds and you may find that that positive person is actually the right person for you. he has been saying we should go test but I have been postponing. He one day went alone and send me his negative results over the phone. So I was happy even though I knew I never exposed him to the risks as we use protection all the time and my virus is suppressed due to being compliant on medication. Now I feel so much under pressure to disclose and not sure how he will take it. My fear is, will he hate me for keeping it a secret for long or will he understand my reasons? My reasons being, fear of stigma, wanting him to know me and accept me for who I am and not for what I have, I also will say I always made sure we use protection which is another way of showing I cared. The truth is, living with this condition and dating is very stressful and it hurts
Hi Anna,
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Its clear from what you’ve said that he wasn’t the right sort of person for you. Its a shame that people have to act like this.
I want to share my experience too. I disclosed my status to my partner when we had just started dating and he just went along with it, one year later, he starts changing stigmatizing me so badly, OMG. Dumps me, gets new gf, blocks me , calls me a saddist killer. Lol. Yet I had disclosed beforehand. Anyway, I realise that he was not a great person. If the roles were reversed, I would never treat my partner like that. Just needed somewhere to rant. World is full of meanies.
Hi Esethu,
Please see Q6 here:
https://i-base.info/qa/what-are-the-most-asked-questions
As long as you’re on medication and your viral load is undetectable, your partner will not be at risk.
How do i fall pragnant as an HIV positive woman with an HIV negative partner?
Hi Daven – thanks for sharing your experiences as support. It can be tough to keep a positive self-image. Knowing that other people have been in similar situations and that there are always options that might make life better is a great motivation.
In short this man is simply not good enough for you! If he can walk out SO easily then it is not love and you were in danger of being with someone who did not love you. That idiot probably thinks he dodged a bullet. You couldn’t have given it to him. Actually, you dodged a bullet. I sweat to you, you did. It is so hard to carry a secret and whatever your feelings about having HIV you have it and whilst it doesn’t define you it is a part of your life. Be prepared to be found out if you do not disclose it. I have hidden and I have been found out, usually when I want to be. I am not ashamed and I shouldn’t feel ashamed and I won’t feel ashamed. Also can you really love in this relationship and trust in them and yourself whilst holding this back? I don’t know. The truth is if they love you then they CAN handle it. The real issue is when to tell them. I feel it’s okay to wait. Love can develop quickly for some people but genuine appreciation takes time and action and observance. Don’t trust the ‘I love you’s. It’s so easy for many to say and so many just throw that word about without realising it’s actually a promise. Tell them based on their feelings and not based on yours. Their commitment must be clear. I DONT think you’re obliged to tell them if you’re undetectable and or using condoms and I don’t care what the law says. I am a human too and I have the same needs and I am not talking about sex but about the need to be seen and counted and considered a person and not a virus. There is NO law on the planet that will Command me to open myself up to rejection, hurt and insult whilst I am considering the safety of others. This legal requirement of disclosure will be abolished soon and it’s actually inhuman in many ways and it’s ineffectual and indecent.
I feel that you should say then say when it is right for you and when you have seen and not just heard that they love you. Follow their feelings and your intuition. You can still get it wrong. We can still misjudge someone. But you have a right to be happy and sex was never supposed to be dangerous. Its so deeply unfair that must seize every chance to treat yourself fairly.
If only we hadn’t had the horrific scare we had back in the 80’s when every school kid had to endure the horror of the daily AIDS death toll on the radio and the DoH all but put a note in every school kids lunch box filling their heads with crap about the worlds biggest killer. I thought I had the virus at a young age. I thought the virus made me gay and was a symptom of viral infection. I was 9 and thought I was dying. Now I have HIV. Oh the irony! Truth is I was perfectly capable of ruining any chance at Love all on my own before I had HIV and I quite likely will again regardless of this infection. Is it personal? Yes it is actually. Should we take it personally? No we shouldn’t. They don’t understand. They are simply afraid and human at the same time. Whilst we are used to stealing ourselves, digging deep to find the balls to even fall in love many are them desperate to run out of it. We are in the unique position with unique responsibility. I believe that love is why we are here and it is the very fundamental basis of life, to enrich the soul of another person and thus our own.
I hate having HIV. I am pretty sure it hates me. Thank god I can handle rejection and thank god I enjoy my own company or life would be intolerable. I have always been someone who thought “how can I make this, how can I cope” and not “how can I run, how can I get out of this?”. You don’t have to have HIV to think like that. You just need balls ;) the best to everyone!