Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Hi Sharon,
Many people find it tough when they find out they are positive. Do you have support at this time? Perhaps they could help at the clinic?
But people don’t get HIV from cleaning without gloves. However, if you want to tell your boyfriend it can help to find out what he thinks about HIV first. So you could talk about it generally, and then take it from there.
Hi I’m Sharon I just found out recently tht I am positive. I don’t kn how to tell my boyfriend. Th funny thing is I didn’t get I from sleeping with someone. I got it from cleaning an working without gloves. Will my boyfriend believe me. I ave never went without condom that’s why I know it couldn’t come from sex. I was very cautious. All I kn that my boyfriend is going to be mad as hell. An dump me. How do I deal with tht.
Dear Nobuhle,
It’s great that you’ve got a new boyfriend. Good too that you’ve been on ARVs for the past 3 years. For many people that means the viral load test result is undetectable.
Being undetectable means that there is zero risk of HIV to your boyfriend if you have sex without a condom.
But many people find it difficult to tell a new partner about their HIV. As Simon says on the answer above, you could try talking about HIV generally. This way you’ll be able to find out how he feels without disclosing straight away.
It’s not easy to tell someone you are positive, but many people now have relationships when one is positive and the other negative. There’s more info here about the Partner study that shows being undetectable means untransmittable. When you are ready to talk to him about it this can help to reassure him.
Best wishes.
My new boyfriend sent me his HIV test results which are negative on whatsup, we have been dating for a few months and used protection few times we had intercourse, its a long distance relationship. Am on ARVs treatment for the past 3 years and have not disclosed to him on my status, how should I respond to his post.. Im not comfortable with disclosing now, how do I start the topic…his reaction when I tell him..No one knows about my status except my previous boyfriend I dated for 4 years and broke up due to irreconcialiable differences
Been facing the same challenge as all of you. Been rejected 3times. I need children, I need a happy life.
Hi Regina,
Telling people about your status can be hard for some people, just as for others it comes quit easy. If you aren’t ready to talk to people about your status then that’s up to you. Being able to talk to others who are positive might help though. Have you thought about this?
Wow that’s way I haven’t told anyone because I’m not ready For this.i just don’t know what to do
I think you should tell someone from the start before feelings get involved.
Hi Monah,
There’s no denying that it can be difficult for people who are positive when it comes to relationships. However, it is possible to be in a relationship with someone who is negative, though it may take some time to find someone who understands and isn’t close minded. Though your boyfriend may not be happy with the idea of dating someone who is positive, if they new thae facts, so people who are on ARVs and have an undetectable viral load can’t transmit HIV, then he may be more open. However, as I don’t know either you, nor him I can’t say how it will go.
Good luck.
Hi am 25 I found out that am Hiv positive when I was 23 of which I told my boyfriend whom later rejected me.I gave myself enough time but once I started to get back to the dating game I got more more rejection until I decide to stop all together.Recently my best friend hooked me up with her old time single friend the guy is good but doesn’t know that am Hiv positive so I decided to bring up the topic in passing and he made it clear that he won’t date an infected person am so Inlove with but how do i prepare myself for yet another rejection its hard because he is different than all the guys I ever dated