Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
When I found out I was HIV positive I was really scared. At that time I was with my auntie. I started taking my medication, and I gave birth on the 4th of February. My baby is healthy. I’ve been talking my medication.
I haven’t told my baby daddy and we’re still together. I love him a lot and his family loves me too.
The thing is my auntie has been telling people about my status. I wanna take legal actions against her.
Hi Prince.
Give yourself some time to breath and to think. You don’t have to tell anyone unless you want to. Maybe you could try a peer support group. Do you know if there’s one near to where you live? Do you have a close friend who you could talk to?
i-base don’t really give advice on this. However, we do have some info on our site for people who’ve just been recently diagnosed, this may help.
http://i-base.info/just-found-out/
What’s important to know, is that HIV is no longer the death sentence that it used to be. Most people who are positive can expect to live long and healthy lives. Just like anyone else.
When you were told, did they do some tests so that they could check your CD4 count and your viral load? If they did when you get the results, please do let us know.
Well yesterday I got tested n I found that m HIV positive… Here is problem I don’t know who should I tell my status cuz I might be disowned my family is kind of strict thyll think that I was not protecting my self or…… I just don’t knw where to begin
Hi likando,
My advice would be to try and introduce the topic and see how people react. However, they are your family. It is you who know them. If you’ve been having sex with your fiance’ is there any chance that they could be positive as well?
I’m also facing the same problem I discovered that I’m hiv. few weeks and I will be starting my treatment soon. I don’t know how to tell my sisters and mam and my fiancé. We are getting married December.
Hi Regina,
Telling someone that you like can be hard. What might help is introducing the topic of HIV into conversation. From there you might be able to tell what he thinks about HIV. Also being able to give people the facts might help. Insofar as if you’re on treatment and undetectable that the risks of transmission are close to zero. Or that most people who are positive can live long, active and healthy lives.
I have met someone about 2 weeks ago he’s very nice, very sweet, but now how do I tell him I’m HIV
Hi Nelisa,
Its great to hear that your family and friends have been supportive. Rightly so.
I can’t really tell you how to tell your partner. However, and this is only my opinion, being able to tell them the facts helps. So for example the research from the PARTNER study. In that risks of transmission are close to zero if someone has an undetectable viral load. Please see:
http://i-base.info/htb/30108
As they want to get tested, the topic of HIV has already come up. How did that go?
Found out i’m HIV positive 3 yrs back. It was very easy for me to tell my family and my closest friends and they have been very supportive. Now I’ve met someone i really have feeling for and it’s been 4 months. He wants us to go test. How do i disclose this to him?
I’m 4 months preg nd I just found tht m hiv positI’ve nd I dnt knw how to tel my pathner nd I’m scared o might loose him nd he so aggressive sometimes