Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Hi Regina, this is individual – you have to decide when the time is right for you. Sometimes it is best to say straight away, sometimes early and sometimes later when you know your partner will support you.
When is it a good time to tell someone about your status if you like that person
Hi Regina. There should be people at your clinic that you can talk to about this. This can be your docto, nurse or other health worker. Also, talking to other HIV positive people can really help. Please contact a local HIV positive support group or ask your clinic about how to do this.
I have been positive for about one year. I haven’t told anybody that I don’t know how to even my kids. I don’t trust people now. We talked about HIV and then they always said something really negative even my sister so she doesn’t even know it. can I get some help?
Hi Irene, I don’t know why so many people – usually men – refuse to take an HIV test. In nearly every country, heterosexual men take so long to get diagnosed that often they become serious ill first and sometimes don’t make it.
The same thing with openness in relationships about HIV. There is a huge amount of denial that is not healthy. You should not have to put up with anyone who doesn’t accept everything about you, and HIV is only a tiny part of your life.
Some HIV positive people find it easier to have realtionship with other people who are positive in a way to avoid and overcome this prejudice and stigma.
They told me i was hiv positive when i was 7 months pregnant and i gave birth to baby who is negative but am afraid to tell my husband that am positive though i told him to test with him and he refused.advise me please. Can i get a partner here who is hiv positive as me? Because disclosure is really difficult as they reject you after telling them your status.
Hi Pretty
I am sorry that I can’t advise on what to do. Telling someone is always difficult. Often you can “test the water” by bring HIV up in a way that doesn’t affect you personally. For example, you could bring up a news story or talk about a relative and see what his reactions are. If he doesn’t have much information you could talk about a friend who has been positive for 18 years etc. It might be that it is easier to do this my email than talking. There are lots of relationships that work out well, so I hope that this works out for you too.
Been casual friends with this guy for over a year now. He lives in the US. Now he’s oppened up n tells me he is in love with me n wants to marry me. Am in Africa n we haven’t physically met. Am living with hiv now 18 years plus my 18 year old daughter.I love the guy but have no idea how to disclose my status.
Hi Thola, this is likely to be different for every one. Some people do this straight away and others take time to see if the relationship is going to be important. It is often good to find out generally what the other person thinks and knows about HIV before making this personal to yourself. Then you can decide whether the person is ready for this news. You might get an angry or ignorant response – oryou might find someone already knows about HIV or even is HIV positive too. Good luck with everything. i-Base is really about treatment information, so this is just my personal opinion.
When is the right time to tell a new person about my status #i realy like him#