Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Hi KD, thanks for sharing your experience. If your viral load is undetectable on HIV treatment (ART) then your partner is not at risk – perhaps show him this information.
http://i-base.info/qa-on-the-partner-study
Good luck with everything.
Hi everyone i am KD and im living with HIV since 2014 i just want to share my love story to all of you.. l met this guy last february 2016 and its amazing felling i can say that the best love story i ever had in my life we been together for almost sevenmonths and i love him so much i love him more than to my self he give my life back again since i get diagnosed last 2014 …. untill i disclose my status to him last tuesday september 20 2016 i really expect that he will get angry mad or worst killed me BUT he have a really good heart and i am so thankful because he understand my situation and yes we do safe sex but like 4 months ago we both drunk and we had sex without condom and i really regret it last wedsday the day after i told him he get tested and the result is next week on wedsday but after that last wedsday he went out oh his own and get drunk on the pub im so scared i go to the place were he is and i comfort him and we sleep together and i feel theres a change a change for our relationship untill today he ask me a time space for himself im sowrried about his result and i just hope everything turn to negative i love him so much and i know i am so selfish not to discose my status to him but for sure some of you will understand that its really hard to disclose your status to everyone.. i am undetectable since last year sept 2015 guys i dont wanna lose him in my life he loves me so much and i love him so much too and i dont know what to do if i lose him.. btw were both gays from different country.. im so glad that there a website like this.. thanks guys for reading this i just wanna shared my toughts .. god bless you all!
Hi Khali, to answer your last question first, it does get easier to talk to partners about HIV. But you need to practice – and also be prepared to get ignorant responses. As a positive person, you are likely to find yourself the expert in many situations. If someone is really interested in you, then they should give you time to talk through fears that are still very common. Luckily, science is getting better and the PARTNER study report that HIV treatment protects partners, even if you don;t use condoms – and even after 900 couple had sex 58,000 times. This might help.
http://i-base.info/qa-on-the-partner-study
I just told my online girlfriend about my status. I’ve been positive since I found out in May on 1997 and have been married for 22 years. Now going through a divorce.
I have been undetectable since 2012 and CD4 is 833 at last test. This is the 1st person I’ve dated since the early 90’s and dreaded telling Her. But I had to as we are planning on meeting. I’m awaiting Her response. My question does telling people get easier? This has me in an emotional turmoil.
Hi Vovo, if you have just found out this can be a difficult time. It will take you time but it will get easier. What is your CD4 count? and has your doctor talked about treatment? The only reasons to tell your partner – other than so you can get support – is if you are not using condoms. Until you start treatment, your partner will be at risk from not using condoms. Another possibility is that your partner might also be positive. Without knowing your circumstance it is difficult to comment on this.
i find out that im hiv positive im/scared to tell my partner
Hi Sandy, HIV meds are routinely recommended for everyone now. The risk of not being on tretment relates to your CD4 count. If is it over 500 the risk are pretty low for most people.
I have been living with this Hiv for 8 years and not taking treatment till now im not. what risk or challenge am I facing not to take madication if im not feeling sick?
Hi Lala – I am sorry that you were let down buy this man. There are other people out there who are better though so I hope you find someone.
hi I met a man on the intrenet that was wanting ato marry me as we chat through the email we v started knowing each other and having good chats with me as we spoke about the health status I disclosed to him . And then he never answered me again that was the end of our chat And I loved him I had feelings for him as we did nt see each other yet