Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Hi Mary – I am sorry for the experiences you have had up to now. The only thing that might help is to start a general discussion long before you need to say anything about yourself. See how this man reacts. Talk about a friend or a relative perhaps. See whether you can use your knowledge and experience to discuss how things are so different in 2016. For example, whether he know that people on effective treatment can have children and to not pass HIV ato the baby or their partner. I hope everything turns out okay.
Hi im Mary, I am 30 yrs old.In the last two years I hv faced rejection from two guys they even spoke about marriage but as soon as I disclosed my status,the attitude changed towards me,as much as we are told to disclose that really broke me,now I have found someone who wants us to go do the tests how do I disclose dat im already positive without facing rejection.I still feel like most men dnt understand this disease.
Hi Dimakatso, it sounds like you are having a difficult time. Just as your feelings must change each day in response to what happened, the same is likely to be true for you boyfriend. I assume that neither of you have been through this before and so it will take time to work through the difficult emotions. Through all this, your health has to come first. Are there organisations in your country that provide support so you have other people to talk to? They might say that your boyfriend’s reaction is also common if he is in shock – even though it was you who has these horrible experiences. Do you have other people you can talk to?
I told my boyfriend that um hiv+nd he told mi dat he wont reject mi bcoz of my status bt now he is acting strange. Its bcoz of i was raped nd i didnt ask 4 it. plz i really need ur advise coz um thinking of killing my self.
Hi Thandeka
Lots of people are in a similar situation – please look at this answer here that might help.
http://i-base.info/qa/11449
Other questions are also answered here:
http://i-base.info/qa/category/sero-different-couples
With good information and support there are thousands of people in good relationships where one partner is positive and the other is negative.
If your boyfriend doesn’t open up to this then it doesn’t sound healthy for your life to continue to let him see you.
Hey guys i really need ur advice i tested hiv positive n my boyfriend is hiv negative how do i tell him coz im scared i might lose him after telling him, actually that is what he said, he told me if i can be positive he can damp me but my problem is i lv him
Hi Fortunate. I can’t comment on your situation but it is generally very difficult for everyone if you think about bringing the law into your personal life. Although it might sound difficult, I assume you are both adults and both have responsibility for things you both did together. If the relationship has not worked well you may be much better off without this person. It is better to focus on you and your own life.
my boyfriend effected me wit HIV nw he is dumping me fr other lady so I want him to pay cz I’m not de first one who had given me HIV and leave me last year he propose to other lady while I’m staying wit him so is it possible fr me to him arrested
Hi, I’m sorry it must be tough going through this.
Finding out that you are positive can be a tough time for most people. Your personal news can make this an even more difficult time. But there are some things you can try that can help. You can ask your doctor or clinic if they can help with support services for you.
But it’s important that you look after your physical health too. You can talk to the clinic about starting treatment – if you haven’t already. And getting support for your emotional health can help you find the treatment that can work for you individually.
You can also get in touch with TAC. The Treatment Action Campaign is the largest HIV positive support organisation in South Africa and they were responsible for the drive to get HIV meds available in SA.
The main office is in Cape Town, but there are support groups and branches across the country, including in Jo’burg.
http://www.tac.org.za/contact
Hi im recently found out that im HIV+. Where by im staying with my truly loving man. We now having two years staying together and he has a son. I was being told by his baby mama to get tested cause, my boyfriend left her when she confessed to him. I really love him with all my heart but now i truely hurt cause he was lying to me all along. I disclosed my status with my sister and se told me that i should tell him thwn he choose to dump me then he never loved or he knew what he was positive. Im scared and confused. please help what should i do when im going through this.