Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Taking your relationship to the next level with honesty about HIV status sounds like a very good way to go about it. It could be a good sign that your partner has suggested this.
However, as it says on the answer above ‘There is no easy way to tell someone you are positive.’ Perhaps you feel that you might put him at risk? But if you’re are on modern HIV treatment (called ART) and your viral load is undetectable, the risk to your partner is close to Zero.
The recent PARTNER study’s top line results were that with an undetectable viral load, almost 900 sero-different couples had sex more than 58,000 times without using condoms – and without a single case of HIV transmission.
Other great news about ART is that many HIV positive women all over the world have HIV negative babies because ART dramatically reduces the risk to their baby’s health.
It’s great that your mother is so supportive. Perhaps you could discuss it in detail with her first.
Best wishes, Roy
Hi. I am a 25 year old female, who tries very hard to live a positive, fulfilled life with my status. I found out about my status 4 years ago, and ever since I have been okay with it, especially because of the tremedous support i recieve from my mother. I recently met someone, whom I feel we have connected so much emotionally and things are going so great! We are now at a time where we both feel ready to take our relationship to the next level. (having intercourse) With that said, with the kind of person he is, he has told me he is going to have an HIV test just to ensure that there is no form of dishonesty between us.
With that said, I want to tell him about my status. But at the same time, I am so afraid of his rejection. Not only because it has happened to me before, but because I truly see a future with him.
Lately, I’ve even tried distancing myself from him but he notices and tries to talk me out of it. How do I tell him??
Hi Phela, please tell your clinic about this and ask for a support organisation where you can talk about your situation. Do you have other family or friends who know your status and who you can trust. I do not know which country you are in so it is difficult to make suggestions. The clinics should know of women who can help you with advice. It sounds very complicated but you would be better to get support to help with all this.
Hi can you please hide my I.d.
I’m 23 years old girl and I’ve mistakenly had unprocteted sex with my partner who is negative and I am now pregnant. I am on my treatment and yet my CD4 count is still high, I’m always talking about hiv positive people to know what is he thinking or maybe I can just joke about the issue that I’m positive then he will reply to Me that he will kill me if I am or infected him. My other part want to break up with him as I already know how he feels about positive people and the thing is that I’m now caring his child not mentioning the fact that he leaved his ex girlfriend because of me.
I really don’t know how to do this and the only thing that always comes on mind is to leave him but I dont know what reason will i tell him.Please help me
Disclosing your status to other people can be tough. But so far, it’s been good for you. You have friends and a brother who are all supportive.
It’s easy to understand why telling your new partner can be especially tough. There is no really easy way to do this.
But talking about your status before taking your relationship onto a sexual level is a good idea. And you might get a good response because of this.
Being on HIV treatment (ART) and having an undetectable viral load means that there’s only a tiny chance that you can pass on HIV to your partner.
And as Simon says in reply to this question, if the person you tell is angry or doesn’t support you then it is better to find out sooner. Because you want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, and that you can share life with.
I hope it all goes well.
Best wishes, Roy
Hi, I’m 26yrs old I found out that am HIV positive last year in March. Ever since my life was hell hard to accept, but since then I told my friends and they’ve been supportive and this year I decided to tell my brother, he’s also there for me. But I was afraid to fall in love, but then I meet this guy who is caring but again I’m afraid tell him my status, the other thing he broke up with the mother of his child. I really don’t know how to disclose my status to him. We haven’t took our relationship to the next level which is having sex. How can I tell him about my status.
Thanks Phoenix, it is good to hear your experience. Glad that you are doing so well – and it can be tough :)
Telling someone you care for or would potentially care for about your HIV+ status is difficult. It is difficult because it IS highly likely you’ll be rejected. Likely. but life is about chances; it’s about risks. We must allow people their space; their time to deal with the shock just like you and I did when we found out. We went through phases of denial; phases of depression and anger, fear, uncertainty.
You don’t have to announce your (+) status until you are ready to go the next step in a relationship. Video tape the discussion; don’t be so serious; it’s a matter of fact especially if your viral load is undetectable and you are on medication.
I have been (+) for 1 yr & I am in the recovery phase. I have accepted this is forever. Now how do I live? One day @ a time.
Hi Josephine,
Do read what Simon has replied here: http://i-base.info/qa/353
If you’re on treatment then the risk to your guy will be close to zero. Perhaps first talk to him generally about HIV. This can give you a good idea about his response. You can take time, you don’t have to get it over in one go.
Best wishes
I have this wonderful guy who has been so nice to me and has always treated me with love. But I found out I’m HIV positive 3 months after I met him. And we have been together for almost a year now. Please can someone tell me how to disclose my status to him