Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Hi Vivian,
I’m sorry you had that bad experience in the past. But do read what Simon has said in reply to Noma here: http://i-base.info/qa/353
The best of luck to you too,
Roy
Hi I’m Vivian aged 24. I am HIV positive and I’ve been dating a guy for 10 months. Already we’ve been planning about having a baby and getting married. The past two weeks he was in Cape Town with work and I sent him a message telling him the whole story. His response was a shock and he just blocked me on watsapp and my calls. As time goes by I bumped into someone. .. and we exchanged contacts. The guy is already in love with me and I love him too. My problem is he doesnt know about my status. What must I do? I don’t wanna lose him
Hi Noma – I am sorry about the previous bad experience but it is really good that you are going on with your life. I can’t comment on your current situation because different people respond very differently. Are you currently on treatment? If yes, then the risk ot your partner will be close to zero. If and when you feel it is right to talk about this, you could do this with infomration from the PARTNER study. http://i-base.info/htb/24904
Discussing HIV takes time – and often it take time for a negative perosn to learn about this.
Perhaps talk about HIV in general first, so you get an idea of how he is likely to respond.
Good luck with eveyrthing.
Hi
I have been positive for almost 5 years now. The first 2 years were hell for me, I pushed any guy that showed interest me away for those 2 years, then I finally realised that feeling sorry for my self wasn’t going to change anything so got out there put all that negativity behind and tried to live my life as normal as possible. It didn’t take long for me to meet the guy that thought was the love of my life, I told him about my status a week after we met, he seemed OK with it for almost a year and that made me fall in love with him even more. Everything changed towards the end of the year. He broke up with me because he was scared for his life and what his family would think of him. It almost destroyed me. I stayed another 2 years without dating. I’ve only just started seeing a younger guy That has proposed marriage but he still doesn’t know about my status, I want to tell him but I cant bring my self to say the words.
I love him and I want to be his wife, How do I tell him ?
Hi Glenda
You have to put yourself first for a while. If you have just found out you are positive, this will take some time and it might take this other person time too.
It might be that he is also positive and he doesn’t want to think about this.
You are important though, and if he can’t deal with this he is no use to you. You need someone who is strong enough to be there when you need support and help.
If you need support, please talk to a friend of family member who has some experience with HIV and who you can trust to help you through this.
AM LIVING A PAINFUL LIFE BECAUSE I JUST FOUND OUT I AM HIV POSITIVE,AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET I DNT KNOW HIS STATUS IVE BEEN HONEST TO HIM AND TELL HIM MY STATUS EVER SINCE OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NO LONGER THE SAME HE ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM SPACE I DONT KNOW FOR WHAT BUT I THINK HE NO LONGER WANT TO BE WITH ME WHAT DO I DO?
There is no right or wrong time to disclose your HIV status. It is generally a judgement call, you should follow your instinct. It is sometimes more difficult to disclose after you have had sex with someone because the relationship has become more intimate and rejection (if there is any) can be harder to take. If he really is ‘a wonderful guy’ then he will accept you no matter what.
I am in the same predicament. I am HIV positive I have told a few people around me but now I have met this really wonderful guy and who is HIV negative. We have not slept together and I feel that I should tell him but I fear rejection.
Hi,
I can fully understand what you going through. I’m in a very similar situation, I’ve been HIV+ for less than a few months. I have yet to tell many people in my life, as I already know how they will react. I’m a single heterosexual guy who made one mistake that changed my life.I have met a couple of girls and i have been nothing less than honest with them, however as soon as they find out my status i dont see them again. I too am waiting for death. Its hard being in this situation. I just hope they come out with a cure soon, as its eating me
Yes, being positive and disclosing your status to someone is not easy.
I was in the same situation last November and was terriffied of loosing my partner, but when I told him he was very supportive and we are still together today, and yes he is HIV negative.
There is in my opinion not a lot of understanding of HIV in the general community, it is far easier for someone to run and turn their back on something that they dont fully understand.
Remember this if the person who left you has gone because of your status (and yes I can fully understand how hard this must be for someone to hear) needs education, ask yourself did they really love you in the first place, after all if they did they would not have run on you, they would be there with you.
But remember this there is support out there for you should you feel the need to talk to someone.
I am truely thankfull for an understanding partner and yes they are out there.
Take care