Question

I am HIV negative. How do I support my positive husband?

6 March 2012. Related: All topics, Newly diagnosed, Sero different couples.

My husband has recently tested HIV positive. I have tested HIV negative. He is afraid that if we have intercourse there is the risk of me becoming positive.

The doctor has suggested using protection, however he is still not comfortable with that suggestion, he does not want to risk my health. Basically, he does not want to have intercourse anymore, he is afraid that we both will become positive even with the use of protection.

How do I support him in his decision, or do we look at divorce. He feels that he would rather divorce me than to take any risks on my health. I do not want to pressure him or give him anymore stress than he already has.

What do I do? Can a sexless marriage be healthy?

Answer

Answer: Angelina Namiba

I am sorry about your husband’s recent diagnosis. I can appreciate it must be a difficult time for you both.

In response to your question, it sounds like your husband is still coming to terms with his diagnosis. He is also thinking about your welfare and wants to protect you from catching HIV from him. Which is good. It is also good that you are very supportive in not wanting to pressurise him.

In addition to your support, your husband may find it helpful to contact support groups for people living with HIV. Many people find it useful to share experiences and ways of coping with living with HIV.

There are many couples like you (where one is positive and the other is negative) who continue to have fulfilling and sexually active relationships. Coming to terms with an HIV diagnosis and continuing
with relationships is different for individuals. However, once they come to terms with the diagnosis many couples like you find that by using condoms,  they can still enjoy sex as they did before. Your doctor has therefore given you good advice in suggesting that you use protection.

You did not specify whether your husband has started taking ARVs (Antiretroviral treatment for HIV). If he has started, then this is an additional way of reducing the risk of him passing on HIV to you.

Studies have shown that taking ARVs and achieving an undetectable viral load dramatically reduces the chances of the positive partner passing on HIV. Viral load is the amount of virus in his body. Having an undetectable viral load means there’s very little virus which reduces the risk of transmission.

Not pressuring your husband is a good way of supporting him. Divorce seems like a drastic decision just now especially as you both seem to care a lot for each other. Your second question about whether a sexless marriage can be healthy is not one that I can answer. That is a decision that only you and your husband can agree on.  You may both find it helpful to discuss this further with a health advisor or counsellor at your clinic. Your doctor can refer you to the right person.

Given time, and with the right support, many people in your husband’s situation find that they change their mind and resume having a sexual relationship with their wife.

With best wishes.