Question
I am HIV negative. How do I support my positive husband?
6 March 2012. Related: All topics, Newly diagnosed, Sero different couples.
My husband has recently tested HIV positive. I have tested HIV negative. He is afraid that if we have intercourse there is the risk of me becoming positive.
The doctor has suggested using protection, however he is still not comfortable with that suggestion, he does not want to risk my health. Basically, he does not want to have intercourse anymore, he is afraid that we both will become positive even with the use of protection.
How do I support him in his decision, or do we look at divorce. He feels that he would rather divorce me than to take any risks on my health. I do not want to pressure him or give him anymore stress than he already has.
What do I do? Can a sexless marriage be healthy?
Answer
I am sorry about your husband’s recent diagnosis. I can appreciate it must be a difficult time for you both.
In response to your question, it sounds like your husband is still coming to terms with his diagnosis. He is also thinking about your welfare and wants to protect you from catching HIV from him. Which is good. It is also good that you are very supportive in not wanting to pressurise him.
In addition to your support, your husband may find it helpful to contact support groups for people living with HIV. Many people find it useful to share experiences and ways of coping with living with HIV.
There are many couples like you (where one is positive and the other is negative) who continue to have fulfilling and sexually active relationships. Coming to terms with an HIV diagnosis and continuing
with relationships is different for individuals. However, once they come to terms with the diagnosis many couples like you find that by using condoms, they can still enjoy sex as they did before. Your doctor has therefore given you good advice in suggesting that you use protection.
You did not specify whether your husband has started taking ARVs (Antiretroviral treatment for HIV). If he has started, then this is an additional way of reducing the risk of him passing on HIV to you.
Studies have shown that taking ARVs and achieving an undetectable viral load dramatically reduces the chances of the positive partner passing on HIV. Viral load is the amount of virus in his body. Having an undetectable viral load means there’s very little virus which reduces the risk of transmission.
Not pressuring your husband is a good way of supporting him. Divorce seems like a drastic decision just now especially as you both seem to care a lot for each other. Your second question about whether a sexless marriage can be healthy is not one that I can answer. That is a decision that only you and your husband can agree on. You may both find it helpful to discuss this further with a health advisor or counsellor at your clinic. Your doctor can refer you to the right person.
Given time, and with the right support, many people in your husband’s situation find that they change their mind and resume having a sexual relationship with their wife.
With best wishes.
My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago with HIV although hes on medication to keep it in a undetectable state i cant get sexually interested anymore although he’s undetectable and im Negative i still afraid of getting it if we have unprotected sex and he refuses too wear protection so its now been 7 months since we have been sexually active with each other. What should i do ?
Hi Khensani,
Finding out that someone that you love and care about has HIV can be difficult. However, its very important for you to understand that HIV is a very managele health condition. Its also one that is easy to treat. As long as your husband takes his medication he’ll be OK.
Once his HIV is under control, so when his viral load is undetectable there won’t be any risk to you. Please see here: http://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
As for what others think, its none of their business. If you haven’t had a test you’ll need to have one done.
Hi,
I recently found out that my husband is HIV positive and I’m negative, and the doctor said he was diagnosed sometime in February 2019.. he had been sick for a couple of weeks with flu and diarrhea. I had initially thought it was food poisoning but it was more than that. To be honest, when we got the results i was so numb my heart dropped to my feet and i had no emotions to show how that made me feel. I have been there for him since we found out his status, had taken some few days at work to help him out.. I’m so exhausted as i have been helping him,with bathing, feeding doing also house chores and taking care of the kids as well.
I only told my sister after a couple days of finding out, and at that moment i cried so hard that my eyes were swollen.” i just feel that I need to talk with someone that wont judge me or tell me i told you so”.
I can tell you that it will get better, just make sure that your partner is seeking help from a counselor. My husband was recently diagnosed as being HIV positive, we have had our fights and there have been times that we did think that we are never going to make it. You just have to be there for anyone, just keep telling them that you are there for them and you love them.
When you first hear those words your heart drops, everything stops in your mind. It does take time for someone to process everything that they have been told. For us we are still trying to get over the first steps. We fight about little things that are nothing at all. You just have to be able to take a stand and always be there with loving arms.
I can not say that it will get better from anywhere, each person is different from the other. If you have not started ART I would not have unprotected intercourse at this time. It will take Six months for the ART to make the viral load under 200. What has really helped us, I go to every single appointment, doctor, counselor visit there is.
This shows that you care and you want to be there for anyone, just take time and be patience. It will take time for anyone to process the news of being HIV positive. If you have not found any help yet, please do some research for HIV counselors and paying for medication.
The doctor that we see, never once offered help. All we got was your positive and that is all. After some searching and asking around you can find help for anything that you may need. People do not think of this at first, make sure that you are on top of this. It will help the other person to come to terms being positive.
Hi Thando,
I’m so sorry to hear your story, it sounds like a tough time right now.
However, it can take time for us to get used to our diagnosis. That’s often because we need time for the news to sink in. This Q&A is about if you’ve just found out you’re positive. Please have a look at this. I hope these thoughts can help your boyfriend right now.
And, as Rebecca says above, there could be local support groups that can help too. Maybe the doctor or the clinic can give your boyfriend contact details.
If you live in South Africa you can also try the Treatment Action Campaign.
It’s really great that you are trying to give him all this support. Thank you.
My boyfriend just recently discovered that his hiv + nd decided to just let go of me. I love my boyfriend so much and I will never let go of him no matter what his been good to me all through the years. I’m trying to support him even called counselling without his knowledge I hope he shows up. It hurts him seeing me cry,I tried to convince him that we can go through this together but he just doesn’t understand. Please help
Hi Dawn,
Many thanks for your comments. It’s great to hear that you support each other and have a great, healthy and loving life together. It’s so good to let other couples know this.
Hi, my husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with the virus. However, he is taking meds as prescribed by his doctor. He is and we are able to live a full filling life together. I have been tested and because of him taking his meds and me being negative, I do not carry the virus. We are able to be sexually active with one another with out protection and constantly are making sure that his blood count is in the high. We are both healthy and loving life. I hope this is able to help another couple out.
Hi Yemmy,
Please see Q’s 6, 9 and 14 here:
https://i-base.info/qa/what-are-the-most-asked-questions
My husband was diagnosed h+ 2yrs ago and we ignored it, some days back now he got tested again with dsame status (hiv +) and start ARV but myself and our 2kids were negative. We are still planning to have a girl child, how do go about it? How do i cope with this situations? I love my husband and can’t leave him in this condition. We’ve been married for 11yrs now. Please advise me.