Question
I am HIV negative. How do I support my positive husband?
6 March 2012. Related: All topics, Newly diagnosed, Sero different couples.
My husband has recently tested HIV positive. I have tested HIV negative. He is afraid that if we have intercourse there is the risk of me becoming positive.
The doctor has suggested using protection, however he is still not comfortable with that suggestion, he does not want to risk my health. Basically, he does not want to have intercourse anymore, he is afraid that we both will become positive even with the use of protection.
How do I support him in his decision, or do we look at divorce. He feels that he would rather divorce me than to take any risks on my health. I do not want to pressure him or give him anymore stress than he already has.
What do I do? Can a sexless marriage be healthy?
Answer
I am sorry about your husband’s recent diagnosis. I can appreciate it must be a difficult time for you both.
In response to your question, it sounds like your husband is still coming to terms with his diagnosis. He is also thinking about your welfare and wants to protect you from catching HIV from him. Which is good. It is also good that you are very supportive in not wanting to pressurise him.
In addition to your support, your husband may find it helpful to contact support groups for people living with HIV. Many people find it useful to share experiences and ways of coping with living with HIV.
There are many couples like you (where one is positive and the other is negative) who continue to have fulfilling and sexually active relationships. Coming to terms with an HIV diagnosis and continuing
with relationships is different for individuals. However, once they come to terms with the diagnosis many couples like you find that by using condoms, they can still enjoy sex as they did before. Your doctor has therefore given you good advice in suggesting that you use protection.
You did not specify whether your husband has started taking ARVs (Antiretroviral treatment for HIV). If he has started, then this is an additional way of reducing the risk of him passing on HIV to you.
Studies have shown that taking ARVs and achieving an undetectable viral load dramatically reduces the chances of the positive partner passing on HIV. Viral load is the amount of virus in his body. Having an undetectable viral load means there’s very little virus which reduces the risk of transmission.
Not pressuring your husband is a good way of supporting him. Divorce seems like a drastic decision just now especially as you both seem to care a lot for each other. Your second question about whether a sexless marriage can be healthy is not one that I can answer. That is a decision that only you and your husband can agree on. You may both find it helpful to discuss this further with a health advisor or counsellor at your clinic. Your doctor can refer you to the right person.
Given time, and with the right support, many people in your husband’s situation find that they change their mind and resume having a sexual relationship with their wife.
With best wishes.
Hi Zion,
It’s great that you are going to be a father. Has your wife started HIV treatment (ART)? Getting viral load to undetectable with ART as soon as possible can help protect your baby from HIV. If your wife is stable on treatment you are also protected from HIV. But you can read more about having a baby in this guide to HIV pregnancy and women’s health.
Hi my name is Zion my wife was been found HIV positive, that as made me so scared of her reason being am apositive father of the child she’s pregnant of,so members help,however the doctor as tried his level best to support us through but I feel like I might also get affected and in most cases she’s pregnant of my first child.
Hi Lungi,
It’s very likely that your husband is going to need some time to come to terms with his diagnoses. He may also need some support. You being there for him may help. As too will listening to him. That is if he wants to talk about his status.
He may also need some space away from his family, this is because he may be going through all sorts of emotions, of which guilt is one. Its also highly likely that he’ll be worried about you, and worried that he may transmit HIV to you. You will need to be patient with him, if he feels like this. In time it should change.
Being able to share with him knowledge about HIV could help. Please see here:
http://i-base.info/guides/starting
http://i-base.info/qa-on-the-partner-study/
http://i-base.info/guides/side
Its great though to see that you are so supportive, and rightly so. This is because HIV is now a very manageable health condition, and not the sickness it used to be.
Hi all, I have been married for 2 years, I have a kid with my husband. I am HIV negative. However, yesterday my husband tested positive. I am sad, but I love my husband and I don’t feel like he is any different from the man I married. He is my husband. I assured him of this, I want to stand with him and manage this sickness, because that’s all it is and he is not to blame for this, he is an amazing man. All I want to know is how to support him.
Hi Jill,
This is a service that is for people who are living with HIV. If you are not able to be in a relationship with someone who is HIV positive, this is something that only you can know.
Just to tell you though, lots of people are in relationships with people who are positive and they are negative, and HIV isn’t an issue. And neither should it be. This is because HIV is a very manageable health condition. And if the person who is positive is on treatment, then the risk of them transmitting HIV are close to zero. Please see the results of the PARTNER study.
http://i-base.info/qa-on-the-partner-study/
People who are newly diagnosed need people around them who are supportive and not judgmental.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been on the edge for a while on whether or not I should leave my partner. She contracted HIV not too long ago. And she told me this past summer. I am still neg and I’m getting tested for the last time this month. Am I shallow for not sticking it out, or is this just an excuse.
Hi
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time – but much of this is seomthing you are puting yourself through without any reason.
First, you are far more than the a virus which is a very small part of your life.
Second, if you are on HIV treatment, with an undetectable viral load, you are at no risk to you wife, even if you have sex without using condoms.
It sounds like you have built up such a picture of gloom over many years that perhaps you have missed the recent advances that show you are not infectious. Or perhaps you are making excuses by withdrawing from sex to cover up other things that are worrying you or that you are afraid of.
In the UK, it is easy to get support to talk through these issues professionally, so looking at this again might be a good next step.
As an HIV treatment infomration organisation, the research about being non-infectious on ART is incredibly important to people’s quatilty of life is real. This evidence is very strong.
Please ask for help to talk through these issues.
Hi,
I am exactly the same. I was recently diagnosed with HIV. I contracted it before my wife and i met. 12 years ago. Luckily she is negative.
I now have accepted that I will never have sex again. I couldn’t bare the thought of infecting her, and am considering divorcing her.
This isn’t the life she deserves.
To me, she deserves a man that can give her a full life with all the intimacies that go with it.
She says she is ok with never ever having sex again, but i feel she is only saying this out of kindness and yes love I’m sure.
we are both mid forties and she has a great many years ahead of her.
I am still struggling to come to terms with this, Im suffering depression, lost my job because of my employers attitude, suicide is also within my plans.
so it will be better for her not to be with me, but a normal healthy man.
Im sure many with strongly disagree with me.
But i just wanted to say, its not only the wife that considers divorce in these cases.
I love my wife dearly and cannot image ever being without her, but have accepted she needs more.
Hi Veronica,
I am sorry to hear about his diagnosis. There are many couples like yours with one negative and one positive partner. A diagnosis can be challenging to deal with. There are a couple of important things to remember though. Many people who have HIV and are on treatment can now expect to live as long as someone who does not have HIV.
It may be helpful for him to meet other people with HIV. He can do this through another organisation for example. You can use google to search for HIV organisation where you are from.
Hi
The father of my 3 kids recently found out he is HIV positive. We were separated from the 1st month I was pregnant with our last child. When he told me recently he was HIV positive I took him back as he wanted to be closer to his kids. I am scared that i might also become infected and our kids loose both of us. I still love him but I do not know how to support him as he is sad now.