Question
My boyfriend was diagnosed with HIV and I dumped him…
28 February 2008. Related: All topics.
My boyfriend told me about two months ago that he is HIV positive. I have never slept with him without a condom because he was always careful not to. I am glad he was that considerate. But because of my ignorance, I got scared and left. My last exposure was New years night 2008.
I am so scared because i have have been having all the symptoms of an HIV infection lately. I am thinking maybe the condoms broke a few times and he never said anything or maybe our private touched before he put on the condoms. He used to finger me all the time. But he insisted that we never had oral sex even though I had requested it a few times. Because we were drunk New Years night, when we were trying to kiss I think I accidentally bit his mouth with my teeth but i didn’t see or taste any blood.
I know he is a stand up guy but my mind is telling me that I contracted HIV that night. Now I have been really sick with aches in my joints and my muscles. My lymph nodes are swollen all over my body. I have been having a mild fever. Well my skin feels hot to my touch but the thermometer says temp is normal. 97 degrees.
What are my chances of contracting? I miss this guy but how can I get over the fear of sleeping with a positive person even with a condom?
Life is unfair. What about these symptoms I am having? My lymph nodes are swollen and the aches are terrible.
Answer
Your boyfriend has clearly taken great care to make sure that you were never at risk from catching HIV. Your symptoms are far more likely to be related to stress, anxiey or other viral infections like ‘flu than HIV. If you take an HIV test this will confirm that you are still HIV-negative.
It sounds like you have not been able to support your boyfriend at all so far. You may not be ready for a relationship with an HIV-positive person until you have come to terms with all sorts of issues. Many couples have very successful relationships though without having to share the same HIV status.
It is still sad to hear when fear and the lack of accurate information prevents relationships.
The fear of HIV is generally much worse than the risk of catching HIV itself. You perhaps need to find out reliable information to inform yourself. Try avert at this link.
Hi guys,
I am in a serious need of an advice. I met a guy two months ago and constantly clicked, you know the deal. And since he’s my first boyfriend ever, we still didn’t have sex to this day, even though we do masturbate each other etc., but every time it gets more serious, he changes mind and we never do it. I think he wants to and me too. So I was trying to wrap my head around this for a month until I accidentally found out a few letters addressed to himself and his ex. I know I should have not read them, but curiosity got the better of me and I just wanted to know something about him that he isn’t telling me. Among other things, I found out that he lied to me about one thing and the most shocking thing was that a few years back, he got really super drunk and someone raped him on toilets. Unfortunately, he contracted syphilis and is also HIV positive. As I was alone in his apartment, waiting for him to com home as we are sort of living together 4 days a week, I was enraged to a point I wanted to get the hell out of his apartment and to never see him again, then I was furious he wasn’t honest with me and lied to me, then I was super sad when I actually thought about the ordeal he must have gone through and cried like a baby for maybe an hour, and then it all started to make sense – his odd behavior, how he acted weirdly one day when I was trying to find some pills in his cabinet. As I did go through the cabinet again, I found he has a stash of pills in the cabinet and I realized he is taking his pills dutifully. So when he came home, I just hugged him tight and refused to tell him what’s going on. I know I severely violated his privacy, but on the other hand, I feel he should have told me already, but I guess I know why he hasn’t yet. It’s not easy to come clean about something like that. I am trying to assure him that he can tell me everything in the meantime, but I simply have no idea what to do about it. Obviously, I don’t want to live in a lie like that. So should I confront him and apologize him for reading the letters which in my defense were quite in plain sight, or should I wait for him to come clean about it? I would like to talk to him about it and let him know I am okay with it, but I am afraid he might not understand the way I found out about everything.
Thank you for your ideas and thoughts
Best,
TP
Hi Teraz, I am sorry that this was the way you became HIV positive. This wasn’t right but sometimes people don’t say anything because of the stigma against HIV. This does not make what happened to you right – but I hope you don’t let this anger stop you having a good life.
This must have been either before this person started treatment, or when their viral load was still detectable. Anyone with an undetectable viral load taking treatment will not be able to pass HIV to other people. See: https://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
To all people that don’t tell someone that they’re HIV positive you’ are not good people. i now have HIV and didn’t know so I got so sick. It could easily have gone into AIDS. I know this person knew he had it.
Hi Grace,
Are you 100% that your boyfriend is negative? If you are, then this would indicate that you contracted HIV before entering into a sexual relationship with your current boyfriend. Prior to this relationship, were you in others? If you were did you have sex without a condom?
Being diagnosed can be hard, especially when it isn’t something that you’re expecting. It’s important to understand that HIV is no longer the health condition is used to be. HIV is now easy to treat, and there’s no reason why it should impact on your life expectancy nor quality of life. Once on effective treatment you also won’t be able to transmit HIV to sexual partners. Please see here: https://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
There is a possibility that this might be too much for your boyfriend to deal with. If possible try and engage with him and share with him the info in the above link.
As your diagnoses is new, you might find the guides that we have here helpful: https://i-base.info/guides/
If you feel like it’s too much, talking to others who are positive could help.
Just discovered am HIV positive but my boyfriend isnt, he’s the only sex partner I have had for 4yrs. Am so confused can’t figure out how and when it happened and now I think the whole relationship for 4yrs is about to come to an end. Am so traumatized and scared and don’t even know what to do with my life anymore.
Hi Micko,
It’s common for one person in a couple to be HIV positive and the other one HIV negative. It’s great that you love her. And it’s important you continue to give her support. Including support to access HIV treatment (called ART).
The good news is that being on ART with an undetectable HIV viral load means that HIV can not be transmitted. That’s even if you don’t use condoms.
Please see this link to Undetectable = Untransmittable (U=U).
For more info please see this Introduction to ART.
plss guys i need ur advice my girlfriend is positive so wht i love her wht i do plss advice me
Hi Barry,
If you are taking HIV medication and your viral load is undetectable there is zero risk to your boyfriend. And that’s even if you don’t use condoms.
What HIV meds are you taking? And if you have access to your viral load results please let us know .
So if I engage in sexual intercourse with my boyfriend will I her AIDS ?
Hi Andile,
If your partner is on medication and their viral load is undetectable, there’s no risk to you at all. Please see here: http://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
If he knowing put you at risk, so insisting on not using condoms when his HIV wasn’t under control, then this is something that you may want to think about. And to be clear, your health is your health, if a man won’t use condoms when a woman wants them to, then is this man worth being in a relationship with.