Q and A

Question

Why do I get rejected when I’m honest about my HIV status?

I got tested for hiv and it was positive. I was told i have to be honest to my partner but I was rejected by him. Then I met another boyfriend and my first boyfriend told him about my status. How can you be honest when you keep on being rejected every time?

Answer

I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is still good that you were open about your HIV status.

It takes courage and strength to tell your potential partners. Unfortunately, some people do not value this honesty. This is due to lack of knowledge and understanding about HIV.

On the one hand many negative people expect positive people to disclose but this just becomes less likely when some of these people have no respect if you do this.

This person should be ashamed of themselves and what they have done and you are better not having them as a friend.

Sadly, we live in a world where most people are not that well informed about HIV. Stigma still exists, but it is changing. A lot of advocates, activists and governments from across the world are tackling this issue to reduce the stigma of HIV. And partly this can only be done by HIV positive people treating HIV as an ordinary part of life.

Many HIV positive people have a healthy and loving relationship with HIV negative people.  They are known as sero different couples (where one partner is positive and the other is negative).

Although my circumstances may be different to yours I am in one of these couples.  My boyfriend has been positive for 12 years and I’m negative.  I’m only using myself as an example to let you know that you can develop a good and loving relationship, regardless of your HIV status.

Please don’t be down-hearted about what has happened but use it to make yourself stronger.

19 comments

  1. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Abbie,

    I’m sorry to hear your story.

    It sounds like you are doing all you can by telling your guy about U=U, and taking ART and being undetectable.

    However, it’s only been a few hours. So it could be that your guy just needs time for the news to sink in.

    Please see this link to how we all feel when we find out we’re HIV positive. It often comes as a shock to us. And it will probably take a while for the news to sink in. Some aspects of being HIV positive take time to come to terms with.

    Perhaps your guy feels the same. And I hope he replies soon.

  2. Abbie

    I have been chatting to a guy that I liked for a few days. We went on a date and it was the most incredible date and even day of my life. He was super into me and asked me to be his gf. I said yes of course. I held back from intamacy alot we kissed and did other things but I didn’t want to have sex untill I disclosed my HIV status. When the date ended he was messaging me and telling me how he I am the best girlfriend ever and can’t wait to see me again. He then asked since we will be in a now committed relationship if we need to use protection. I just told him I need to tell him somthing and I hope it doesn’t change things. I told him I am HIV positive on treatment and undetectable meaning I can’t give it to him. I also sent him a link to U=U research. It’s been a few hours and haven’t heard back. I am trying to stay positive but my heart is breaking. I have been single for five years and felt like I finally had someone who I love and now I so fear he has rejected me because of my HIV status. I know I will get past this but my heart is Brocken. Will I ever date again? Or will I ever tell anyone again? I don’t need to legally in my state of QLD Australia as long as I am taking resaonable precautions to protect my partner being undetectable is listed as a reasonable precaution but I would use condoms anyway to be extra safe. But I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t be there for me and support me through such a huge part of my life.

  3. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Nomhle,

    Thank you for telling us your story.

    However, please don’t close the door on love completely. There are parts of your story that really show hope. Your guy says he still loves you. That’s a great place to start from.

    Please see this page about how we all feel when we test HIV positive. Perhaps this is similar to how your guy is feeling. So for him it will also probably take a while for the news to sink in. Some aspects of knowing your partner is HIV positive take time to come to terms with.

    It will get easier, for you and your guy. You will still be able do all the things you wanted to do before you learned that you were HIV positive.

    Please see this link to Undetectable = Untransmittable (U=U). So if you’re still taking regular HIV treatment (ART) and have an undetectable viral load, the HIV risk to your guy is zero.

  4. Nomhle

    Hi,.I met a guy recently and he asked for my hand in marriage. Yesterday I decided to disclose my status to him before the relationship can go any further. He was cold and I could see that he was añoyed by me as he couldn’t even kiss me like before. I was ready for any reaction, though disappointed I decided to give him his space.

    He called the next day to tell me that he still loves me but I could feel that he was not sincere…now he is not even chatting to me wee hours of the night like we used to. When I WhatsApp him he just respond with imoji captions. It’s painful and I have decided to close the door of love completely.

  5. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Tembie,

    It’s good that you care, however you can’t force someone to talk about their status if they don’t want to. He may just need some time.

  6. Tembie

    Hi! I’m Tembie from SA. My partner tested HIV positive last year June 2019 and I m negative. My problem is My partner is not informing me about his progress in terms of treatment , check up & attend Doctor’s appointment. I want to support him but he doesn’t want me to be involved. I try to talk to him but he is avoiding topic. I don’t know what to do

  7. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Ledwin,

    I’m sorry to hear your story. But it sounds like you’re not down-hearted about what has happened but you’re using it to make yourself stronger. Great!
    Best wishes, Roy

  8. Ledwin

    I been positive for almost 5years.l only disclose my hiv status when l see it worth.Not everyone deserves to know the truth about you.I met this Nigerian guy l really liked 3weeks ago..we had protected sex 4times and just yesterday l texted him a simple straight message telling him my status.he blue ticked me and its been over 24hours.Am not worried its his loss not mine if he go.l love myself and am happy and no negative vibes appreciated my side

  9. Tika

    Go on a hiv dating site where you meet others with the same situation.

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