Question
Why do I get rejected when I’m honest about my HIV status?
1 February 2012. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Newly diagnosed, Sero different couples.
I got tested for hiv and it was positive. I was told i have to be honest to my partner but I was rejected by him. Then I met another boyfriend and my first boyfriend told him about my status. How can you be honest when you keep on being rejected every time?
Answer
I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is still good that you were open about your HIV status.
It takes courage and strength to tell your potential partners. Unfortunately, some people do not value this honesty. This is due to lack of knowledge and understanding about HIV.
On the one hand many negative people expect positive people to disclose but this just becomes less likely when some of these people have no respect if you do this.
This person should be ashamed of themselves and what they have done and you are better not having them as a friend.
Sadly, we live in a world where most people are not that well informed about HIV. Stigma still exists, but it is changing. A lot of advocates, activists and governments from across the world are tackling this issue to reduce the stigma of HIV. And partly this can only be done by HIV positive people treating HIV as an ordinary part of life.
Many HIV positive people have a healthy and loving relationship with HIV negative people. They are known as sero different couples (where one partner is positive and the other is negative).
Although my circumstances may be different to yours I am in one of these couples. My boyfriend has been positive for 12 years and I’m negative. I’m only using myself as an example to let you know that you can develop a good and loving relationship, regardless of your HIV status.
Please don’t be down-hearted about what has happened but use it to make yourself stronger.
Hello Blessing and thank you very much for trusting us with your story.
I am reading the details of your last few years and only one thought come to mind:
You are a very smart and strong woman.
Life has not been kind but you have managed to overcome all the obstacles so far.
Even if things have not been easy, you have managed to overcome all the difficulties.
And I assure you: things will get easier. Even if it doesn’t feel like this is possible right now, things will get better.
The main question you need to ask yourself right now is: what do you want to do?
If you want to get back with your partner your doctor could help you by discussing U=U with him, explain to your partner that he has no risk for HIV.
Have you heard of U=U? It means that you cannot pass on HIV to your partner (or baby) if you are on effective treatment.
You can read more about it here: https://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
If you feel this is a person who doesn’t love you and will not support and care for you, then perhaps it’s best he left.
I realise that you are pregnant and this might complicate things.
I have never met a woman who regretted having her children.
I don’t mean to say your situation is not complex.
No matter how strong you are (and we know you are very strong) you will need help.
Are there people you can talk to?
Do you have any family who you trust and share this with?
Do you know if the clinic can link you with peer support?
Peer support is a service offered by people living with HIV to people living with HIV.
It is very helpful to discuss your situation with other people who might have had similar experience.
I am sure you have a million questions and thoughts.
Please contact us again here or in the e-mail: questions@i-base.org.uk
Stay strong and let us know how you are doing
I’m feeling very depressed. I was diagnosed in 2019. Both, me and my boyfriend, were positive and we agreed to stay together. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get married. It took months for the relationship to end.
I am now in a new relationship. I disclosed my status to him, we went for test, I was positive and he was negative. He agreed to take PrEP but later on he changed his mind. I aim now pregnant and we have broken up. I’m depressed. What a life.
Hi John, I am sorry to hear about your experiences dating. Have you had any support around you to help adjust being HIV positive e.g., friends, family, your doctor, or even a peer support group?
How do you go about informing the people you are on a date with? and are you doing it because you want to or you feel you should?
Disclosing your status is a personal thing to do and it is not lying to not tell someone before you are comfortable.
While you shouldn’t have been talked into a test, always being aware of your status is a good thing. Even though it does lead to this label, being aware of this status allows you to start treatment and be in charge of your own health. Doing this also helps to prevent transmission to other people and will also protect them.
Testing is recommended for everybody for this reason to help ensure people can be in control of their own lives. Even for other STI’s it is common for people to have regular check ups to be aware of their own sexual health and treat early before complications develop.
I feel the same. Since I was diagnosied with being POZ, a little over 4 years ago, I have not had over 1 date Whenever it comes up I am honest, and then ghosted. My doctor “talked me into a test”. I have told him over and over this has been the worst decision I could have made as I sit home alone night after night.
Here’s the true benefit of being tested in a small town. Lose friends, sit home, take extra drugs that you have to adjust too. My advice is think before you are tested. It’s not lying to say as far as I know I am negative or something similar (no one ask when was your last test)
It’s really hard,I recently disclosed to my boyfriend and all of a sudden his being distant. Though I confronted him that I can see that his changed he denies it yet he doesn’t call or chat with me anymore. I told him so that he can also go and test as I discovered on January that I’m hiv positive and asked him to come with me to the clinic with me the following day he said he will be busy. So we communicated but didn’t see one another up until last week as we gave our relationship a chance and I disclosed to him so his now acting funny. It’s just one those questions will I ever find someone who will not judge me
Hi Weirdo, I am sorry you have had to go through this. Unfortunately these events do happen and HIV is still carries a stigma for which many people still associate with HIV. Being rejected in this case is no reflection on you. I understand this can be difficult to recognise but someone rejecting you for a belief they hold is not to do with you.
You have no control over your status and if someone cannot see this, it speaks to their character. While this likely feels like a set back, being with someone who does hold this prejudice is not going to be the basis of a healthy relationship. Many people with HIV find love/relationships all over the world. It is a matter of finding the right person.
Do you have any support at home? Friends or family that you can talk to? If not, you can reach out to The Terrance Higgins Trust (THT), they are a charity that can provide more support in this than we can at i-base. THT: https://www.tht.org.uk/contact-us
You are not a loser.