Q and A

Question

Why do I get rejected when I’m honest about my HIV status?

I got tested for hiv and it was positive. I was told i have to be honest to my partner but I was rejected by him. Then I met another boyfriend and my first boyfriend told him about my status. How can you be honest when you keep on being rejected every time?

Answer

I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is still good that you were open about your HIV status.

It takes courage and strength to tell your potential partners. Unfortunately, some people do not value this honesty. This is due to lack of knowledge and understanding about HIV.

On the one hand many negative people expect positive people to disclose but this just becomes less likely when some of these people have no respect if you do this.

This person should be ashamed of themselves and what they have done and you are better not having them as a friend.

Sadly, we live in a world where most people are not that well informed about HIV. Stigma still exists, but it is changing. A lot of advocates, activists and governments from across the world are tackling this issue to reduce the stigma of HIV. And partly this can only be done by HIV positive people treating HIV as an ordinary part of life.

Many HIV positive people have a healthy and loving relationship with HIV negative people.  They are known as sero different couples (where one partner is positive and the other is negative).

Although my circumstances may be different to yours I am in one of these couples.  My boyfriend has been positive for 12 years and I’m negative.  I’m only using myself as an example to let you know that you can develop a good and loving relationship, regardless of your HIV status.

Please don’t be down-hearted about what has happened but use it to make yourself stronger.

24 comments

  1. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Jane,

    We get asked this question a lot. And there isn’t an easy answer to it. Some people are very accepting of a persons status, were as others simply are’t.

    I can’t say if its worth continuing with this relationship, only you can deiced this. Don’t settle for someone who can’t, or isn’t able to accept your status.

    Yes you have HIV, but you deserve to be respected just like everyone else. Also, as you may now know, HIV is a very manageable health condition and one that doesn’t merit all of the stigma that it gets.

  2. Jane

    I met a guy 3 months ago, he said we shld go test he did his test during December and i only did mine on February. But we had been intimate the whole time, using protection. his results came back negative and mine is positive. I disclosed this to him. He said it’s ok, that we should continue with the relationship. But since I told him he has barely touched me, let alone be intimate with me. He says he needs time. am I just wasting my time with him? help

  3. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Mimi, I’m sorry this sounds hurtful. But it takes courage and strength to tell your partner you’re positive. And you’ve certainly shown that. But perhaps when we’re rejected it can mean that person might not have been right for us. As it says on this question above, don’t be downhearted about what has happened, but use it to make yourself stronger.

  4. Mimi

    I’ve been positive for one or now, decided to stay single til can fully accept it and better love myself about 5months after I met this guy who was good to me, I liked him alot and decided to tell him, he was freaked out but told me he needed time. 3 months later he came back and said he’s maid his peace with it and still loves me but then I was already in love with another, I gave up that chance of being with someone who knows and accept me for who I am for this guy.but then I was scared to disclose my status for fear of loosing him after 6months he’s been planning to propose to me I had to tell him, when I did he freaked out and sent me packing, I almost killed myself, it hurt so bad, I was so wrong to think he’ll stand by me, his test results still came negative and I thank god for him. But m hurt.

  5. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Muriel,

    Thanks ever so much for sharing with us your experiences. Dating can be a nightmare, especially when people are incapable of understanding that as HIV positive people we’re no different from anyone else.

    This man clearly didn’t deserve you.

    I hope that in time you regain your confidence, people can be difficult. There are however, as you know many good ones out there.

  6. Muriel

    I can also relate to it. Been positive for 13 years, got it from first boyfriend I have ever had!
    Over the past 13 years I’ve had 3 serious relationships and no one has ever rejected me because of it. I disclosed to a few of my close friends and they’ve been supportive too.

    However, a year ago after entering a new relationship I got rejected after disclosing. It was extremely hurtful, unfair but as soon as the emotions of the initial shock cooled down I felt like the person who I trusted enough to say it to and reacted me by freaking out was simply a man who’s ignorant and not worthy of me at all.

    Given all I have to offer and the person I am… I wouldn’t treat someone like that. It isn’t normal to reject someone based on HIV status with the current knowledge of the disease. It’s ignorance and lack of knowledge.

    It’s not infectious even when you don’t use protection if you are on treatment and undetectable which most people would be. You live a super healthy long life and can have kids. It often makes you stronger and more sensitive to other peoples suffering because you know what it’s like to deal with such stigma. So it makes you even richer and more valuable depending on how you use it, just like it happens with any difficult life experiences.

    It’s reeeeaaally very interesting how the whole discussion about HIV disclosure is usually focused on the person with HIV doing or not doing wrong to the other (after being told by the science and doctors that even without using protection you can’t give it to anyone!!! So long as you’re on treatment) rather than on how disgusting and harming discrimination of the other can be.

    When it happened I was looking at possible ways of suing the person who discriminated me because of the psychological harm that it did to me but I left it in the end. I guess deep inside I still cared for him. Doubt if anyone would take it seriously anyway. After all discrimination apparently isn’t harming at all right? It is cool to discriminate… it doesn’t matter that it can spiral you into depression, shut you down, seriously harm your mental health. An act of discrimination in this scenario doesn’t count in the eyes of law!!!

    I did nothing wrong. I had sex with a person using condoms after being repeatedly confirmed by a doctor that I’m not infectious as I’m undetectable. It is my business when I disclose it simply cause it’s not fair to expect for people to disclose quickly given the stigma back from the 80’s going around and the psychological harm that possible discrimination can cause.. plus the simple fear of loosing the person you care about etc..
    My 3 previous boyfriends easily understood it and cared about me. One didn’t and it caused a lot if damage, made me stop trusting men and shut me down.. but apparently I am the bad one even though I did nothing wrong to him.

  7. Simon Collins

    Hi Roxy, you are right that you are still shocked by your results. Whatever happens with you bf will be okay. You will either stay together or not, but your life will still go on and you can still do everything you planned before. It is more important that you think about yourself first and get support to help you be strong. HIV meds are very effective You can lead a normal life, have partners and have a family. Taking everything slowly until you get this strength will help you feel more in control of your life. You can then start to feel more in control of other parts of your life, including other relationships. Speaking to other positive people who have been though similar experiences can often help. Do you have anyone to talk to? Your clinic should have details of local HIV organisations that could help.

  8. roxy

    i just found out im hiv positive ive been in a relationship for 3 months and i really thought we love each other I thought i found the perfect match we were thinking of a future together cause both of us is a good age we spoke about having a family and wanted to start asap now this. i am still dealing with the shock of it all. i asked my bf to get tested we dont know yet whether he is positive or negative. we are waiting on blood test but already i feel our relationship changing I get the feeling he will drop me if he is negative but if positive he will be willing to stay with me. I am thinking if he found out he is positive and im negative I wud still have stayed with him cause i love him dearly. this must mean he never really loved me the same way i am asking myself do he deserve me if he is positive because clearly we dont feel the same about love. This is a few days now and my whole life is changing I find that because of his reaction to this news I dont think I will reveal my status to anyone and if I knew how he would react I would have broke it off and not told him just got the clinic to inform him to get tested. If he should test negative im already seeing him leaving me and I dont think I will ever trust anyone again.

  9. KaBey

    I can relate to this topic so much because I just experienced rejection from my potential partner a few days ago.

    I have been Hiv+ for more than 5 years due to rape, i struggled a lot with accepting my status, I refused to take the vitamins because I did not want to be part of the stats. However as time went I decided to do this for myself, many people who know would tell you that I am full of life and energy, I was not ready to give all of that up so I faced my fear and got tested again, unfortunately the results came back the same … but this time around I was more comfortable and most importantly I wanted to do this form myself and my family.

    I remember seeing something on Facebook about the child that had Cancer, her body was literally failing her but her spirit and outlook on life was just amazing, that motivated to strive even more to get better. I was okay physically but inside I was not, but eventually I started taking the drugs and I must say feel way better than before.

    But one moment that made me feel so worthless was when I came out to a potential partner about my status, I thought he would be understanding as I was being honest and open with him, I did not want him to feel him trapped or anything, I did not want to wait for the time when we where about to have sex to him. but he rejected me flat out he told me that even if there was a 99% chance of him not getting the disease the 1% would still freak him out.

    I was so broken and did not know what to do, I was numb and full of emotion, sad emotions. I am picking myself up day by day and I hope that our society changes its perception about HIV.

  10. mick

    A lot of gay men dont even realise that they are positive and continue to put other people at risk of HIV. I say gay men as this is my experience being gay. Some people would rather do this and dig their heads in the sand when they have put themselves at risk. Never getting regular health checks etc etc. I have had simular experiences in the past but eventually came to the conclusion that if a partner has an issue with your honesty its his problem, not yours.

    I met my partner last year, who understood and respected my honesty, but I met a lot of losers first. I told him on our first date. I m not recommending this. Im just trying to advise that there are really understanding and loving people in this world who accept you for who you are.

    I dont think about my HIV that much and don’t let it rule my life. Its a choice I made a few years ago. Once I reached that point and stopped ruminating and challenged my own stigma I was able to move forward in my life.

    I have been HIV+ now for nearly 4 years. Im healthy, I have a great career, lovely family and friends and a nice partner. Everyone I’ve told has been accepting except the odd person.

    I think it’s fear and ignorance as opposed to rejection of you as a person. Accepting my own stigma and challenging it has been the biggest hurdle.

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