Question
Shall I tell my fiancee about my HIV status?
1 March 2009. Related: All topics, HIV transmission, Living with HIV long-term.
Hi.
I am 29 years old and I received a positive HIV result in 2007, but I never told this to my parents and I do not want to tell them this. Now they want me to marry the girl to whom I have been engaged for 3 years. I never told her about my HIV status either.
Now I do not have any alternative except to marry her. I will tell her after our marriage. Am I doing wrong? Please advise me, as I cannot break the relationship now and I cannot tell anybody now either, because it will cause bad effect on my social life.
Please, advise me.
Answer
This is a very difficult question, as issues of telling or not telling as well as when and why differ hugely in the different cultures.
I understand that you come from a very traditional culture in India and this puts a major social pressure on you. It is difficult for me to say what is right and what is wrong in your situation. What will be considered wrong in all the cultures and countries, however, is if you infect your fiancee with HIV, without giving her the choice. I mean, if you intend to have unprotected sex with her, she needs to know that she is exposing herself to a risk of catching an infection that can be potentially life threatening in the long run. She must have the choice of whether she will get that or not.
If this was happening in the Western world, I most probably would have also mentioned the fact that in many countries the intentional (knowing) transmission of HIV, or even putting a person at risk, is prosecuted and people may be sent to prison. I, personally, may not approve of this legislation, but in places it exists. I do not know what is the situation in India regarding this.
It is worth contacting an HIV organistaion in India (for example the Naz Foundation or
I also have HIV, but I stand up to face all the problems that HIV brings me. I am also afraid that people will look down on me. My husband, when I told him, he really worried about me, but he never made me feel badly or looked down on me. I think that if she loves you, really, really loves you and cares about you, she will face this with you. Better to tell her before your marriage. GOOD LUCK!
I am sorry to hear about your status, but it is advisable to discuss this matter with your fiancee, otherwise you will have negative emotions and accusations within yourself and that is not good for your health right now.
She is the one to decide whether she will take the risk or not, but she has a right to know anyway, my brother. Please do not put her in this risk without her knowing, and I am sure that she will still marry you if she really, really loves you, rather than knowing this after marriage, you do not know how she will react after, she might not forgive you.