Question
How can I resolve our HIV diagnoses with my partner?
3 January 2014. Related: All topics, HIV transmission, Support.
In March 2012 I got very ill and was admitted to hospital.
While in hospital I was diagonised with HIV and pneumonia (PCP). I was placed on an ART program which is responding very well. I was discharged two weeks later and I immediately asked my partner of one year to do HIV tests, they came back positive.
Now whenever we have an argument she will be blaming me for infecting her. I do not know where and how I got the desease, and I also do not want to make it an issue as it wont change a thing.
If I knew of my status before meeting her I could accept the blame. Should I stay in this relationship or move out. Is it easy for positive people to date in SA as I had to disclose my status whenever I meet a new date.
Answer
Hi
I am sorry that your home life is complicated and difficult at the moment. As this is mainly a treatment information service I’m not sure I can help much with the questions you ask.
Some relationships become stronger after an HIV diagnosis but for some the tensions are never resolved and they don’t survive. I have no idea what will work out for you but there should be service you can get support from, so you can both talk things through.
To continue will involve resolving a lot of issues and guilt and blame over who was positive first is commonly shared by both partners. This is something you are unlikely to ever know for sure, so all you can do is to find a way to come to terms with the fact you are now both HIV positive and then move on. If this can’t be worked out, then it will always be difficult for the relationship to survive.
Sometimes this can make a relationship stronger as you both have similar issues and can support each other. This will be difficult if the issues of blame and trust are not worked through though.
Getting diagnosed is always complicated, but treatment is now very effective. It is great that your treatment is working well, and this should mean you have good health not just for a few years but for decades.
Perhaps you and you partner could get counselling support – either individually or together – so you you can get the support you need to make the right decisions for the future.
I hope things work out for you both.