Question
How do I disclose my HIV status to potential partners?
11 July 2016. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples.
I recently broke up with a man I loved because I told him I was positive.
I explained to him that my viral load has been undetectable for a year now and that I am doing well with treatment. I tried to inform him about positive people. He started behaving strangely after that. I confronted him him but he denied that my being positive had anything to do with the situation.
I never offended him and our relationship was okay before I told him. Infact we planned on the next level which was marriage and that is why I told him. But he told me never to call him again and that he did not even want to be in a relationship.
Then it occured to me that this is what I would have to go through for the rest of my life. It is painful to be rejected. I looked down on myself all week. I prayed for death every day. I want to be like everyone else. I have decided never to tell anyone about my status. I want to get married in life and have my own kids. I am not prepared to settle for less in life. But how do I tell a man about my status when I know it would send him running? This will make me lose my self esteem.
Currently, I am afraid of dating because I do not want to be rejected again.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that this is still a common experience for many HIV positive people. But just because one person rejects you does not mean that everyone else will.
The is no easy way to tell someone you are positive – but it does get easier with practice.
Soemtimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion. You might get positive response lthat the person knows about HIV, has had previous parttners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive themself.
If the person is ignorant, angry or agressive then it is better to find out sooner and not waste any more time on them. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are, that you can share life with, and to have as few secrets as possible.
Do not let this one rejection determine your future.
Many HIV positive people are leading very fulfilling lives, something they never expected… So can you.
NOTE: this answer was updated in July 2016 from a question posted in March 2008.
Hi Lebo – thanks – this is a really important post and comment. It shows how whatever we do, people with HIV are nearly always blamed for not doing thing right! Most of the comments oon this website are about how many partners just run away when we say we are living with HIV. We know this, so we take time to decide on the best time to talk about HIV and sometimes this timing is taken away from us.
Your boyfriend had no right to question you about your personal medical issues. Then he finds your meds and reather than respect your decisions he makes this all about him! – ie his right to know.
One answer might be that you didn’t tell him because you thought he might over-react like this :)
Also, that U=U means that your status is something personal to you as he is not at risk.
His reaction so far though shows that he does care about you, but that he is still in shock. With a little time it will be easier to talk about everything. It sounds like he wants to know more. It is a good sign that he hasn’t just run away :)
Yesterday i disclosed my status to my boyfriend. The reason why i did is because he found my arvs in my bag…he was crying and asking me im i sick.I decided to tell him the truth even though I was not ready. I told him im u=u but he said he is going to kill himself .He keep on asking me why i didn’t tell him from the beginning. He is angry and he doesn’t want to talk to me.What must i do
Hello Veez and thank you for getting in touch.
It’s really good to hear from you and to see how resilient and full of life you are.
I am very happy you found someone you really like and are experimenting with him.
First of all, it is important to remember that as long as you are on medication (ARVs) and your viral load is undetectable then you cannot pass it on to your partners.
That means, you don’t need to abstain Fromm sex, if you don’t want to.
Telling someone about your HIV status is your choice to make.
This is information that you don’t have to share but it can be very helpful if you decide to do so.
The relationship can be based on mutual respect and honesty in that case.
However, people must also be ready to learn this information.
I would recommend starting talking about HIV in general and see your partner’s response.
It is important to educate your partner before disclosing your status to help him understand the information.
Here is a link to U=U (undetectable=untransmittable) that will help you explain it to your partner:
https://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
I wish you every luck in your relationship
Im a young 20 years hiv positive girl. This has been transmitted through birth . I’ve promised myself never to have sex with a guy untill I grow up a bit in other to prevent transmission. Along the line I got a boyfriend last year which I couldn’t deny my feelings. I always prevents him from penetrating since he decided not to go by protection. But that couldn’t work for long and I once got myself in amazingly.
We enjoyed but later on , he started complaining of some little health issues . And I’m scared right now, thinking he might get infected. Although I encouraged him to be taking some medications . Now I want to tell him about it. I once told him I’ve been taking a certain drug since infancy but my parents refuse telling me what’s wrong with me till now but whenever I ask they always say they’ll tell me at the right time
Please advise me how can I approach him about this . I’m Soo scared
Hello Rodney and thanks for getting in touch.
Unfortunately we are unable to post any personal details or your phone number.
This website aims to help with information about HIV treatments.
We wish you every luck in finding a partner but cannot help you with this.
How have you been?
Hello again.
I am very sorry. I do understand how this feels.
Try to focus on yourself and your health.
He might need some time to come to terms and to educate himself.
He might never accept the situation.
You want someone who will appreciate you and your honesty.
You don’t want a relationship based on lies.
You are a strong woman. You are very resilient.
Don’t underestimate yourself and don’t settle for someone who cannot give you what you need: acceptance and love.
I told him I was positive last week and he said he would support me.
This week he asked me for time to process it, meaning I shouldn’t call him.
I don’t even know how to feel, I have been crying the whole day