Question
How do I help my partner that infected me?
25 November 2011. Related: All topics, Newly diagnosed, Support.
I have been living with HIV for about 12 months now. I am only being worried and scared now. I feel like my life is so over as me and my boyfriend we are fighting constantly. He’s now taking ARVs. Because of all the stress and all the fighting I don’t know how to support him as he infected me. He knew that he was positive yet he still slept with me without using a condom. I so sometime hate him.
Answer
Hi
Your question is about such a complicated situation but it is one that many people find themselves in.
First, although you ask about supporting your partner, I am more concerned with you, your health and how you feel.
Learning you have HIV is never easy and it is traumatic if you feel this is because of a break in trust. I don’t know the circumstance though about you and our partner’s history, how you discussed HIV and whether you used condoms at other times.
Is there a counsellor or health care worker that you can talk to about how you feel?
Is there a local HIV organisation or support group where you can meet people who have already gone through similar situations?
You will need regular monitoring for your own health. It and when you need treatment this will also stop you from becoming ill, and it will help you lead a long and healthy life.
So letting this information sink in and focussing on yourself first is probably most important.
Only when you have more hope for yourself can you come back to look at your relationship. Some relationships survive very difficult circumstances and for others the strain is too difficult. If you are unable to come to terms with how you caught HIV then you may never be happy with your current partner. Although you are worrying about your partner you haven’t said how your partner is worrying about you. If he isn’t, then why are you with this person. The anger and arguments may also be because he feels bad for what he has done.
This is all jumping ahead though – and are just guesses from me – as other things could also be important.
Having the chance to talk through all your anger is important. Getting support so you can recognise that your life does not have to be over because of HIV is another.
Good luck
Hi Eli, I am sorry that you are in this situation but please take an HIV test. Lots of people have sex without catching HIV and so this is important. Secondly, if your boyfriend is being treated for HIV, then his meds can also protect his partners if his viral load is undetectable, even if not using condoms.
We often get emails about situations where partners – usually men – can be in denial about their own HIV status and behave badly to their partners. This is not fair but it is also very common. It also adds to the stigma against people with HIV.
Kindly allow me share this through this platform so that I can also be helped
I realize that my boyfriend is hiv positive after being with 3month sexually and I have all the symptoms of hiv but when I feel pain of him doing such a bad act to me , he tells me that if people can die and they are buried why I’m crying. Now he doesn’t pick up my calls since I left his place to my work place. It’s like he doesn’t care and not sorry for his act. I feel a lot of pain because he has abandoned me . And yet I’m not married so how will I get a partner in this world full of stigma