Question

How do I deal with my boyfriend’s diagnosis?

14 December 2012. Related: All topics, Newly diagnosed, Support.

Hello,

My boyfriend tested positive a few days ago. When he told me, I took a blood test (finger prick) and it came back negative. I have to return in 3 months for a follow up. His viral load is 788. We have never used protection.

In the last few months I have suspected that he is addicted to sex. He has a history of substance abuse (non-IV) and a history of relationships with females that are IV users. He kept the fact that his ex girlfriend has hepatitis from me. He has also had one night stands and I suspect that his behaviour will not change even with the diagnosis.

I love him dearly but I am afraid. I worry about being positive and that he might transmit the disease to someone else. How can I protect myself during intercourse and how do I deal with the destructive part of him?

I have not shown any alarm because I don’t want him to have the notion that is life isnt worth living and as a result, increase the chances that he might put someone a risk or sink into a deppression. I mentioned writing a list of people he has been initimate with and find a service that can alert them to get tested-he doesnt seem to show real interest in this.

I dont think he should act asif his life is ending, but why is he so removed from the reality? I think he is in shock-I am to, I keep thinking the test is wrong or it is some kind of mistake.

I have no idea what to do. He doesnt have a lot of support and I refuse to abandon him. I am an emergency contact and I have access to his healthcare providers. He claims they did not mention anything about him informing past partners. Should I say something to them? We are in Baltimore-a high infection area and he is contact with high risk individuals.

Please help. I am scared and confused.

Answer

Answer: Rebecca McDowall

Hello,

Thank you for contacting us. I’m very sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s recent diagnosis, and the stressful situation you are in.

Although I can appreciate your focus on supporting your boyfriend. However you also have to focus on your own health and accessing any support you need. This is a difficult situation but it is one that is shared by thousands of other couples every day.  It often helps to speak to other people about this and perhaps ask about counseling and support at the clinic or test centre, or at a local organisation in Baltimore, such as AIDS Action Baltimore (http://www.aidsactionbaltimore.org/).

If you and your boyfriend are having sex, then using condoms as protection, will reduce your risk from catching HIV. They work and are extremely effective. Although this may seem strange if this is not what you are used to, your boyfriend should expect this change.

HIV tests are 95% accurate after 28 days and 99.9% effective after 3 months (since the last possible exposure). So although your negative result now makes it unlikely that you are HIV-positive, the confirmation test in a few months is important. There is no point in putting yourself at further risk if you have been lucky and are still HIV negative.

Because you are worried about your boyfriend putting other people at risk of infection it is important to be aware of the legal situation in the USA. Several US states- including Maryland- have laws, which criminalise the transmission of HIV. If your boyfriend does put somebody at risk of being infected he could be breaking the law. I’m sorry but I don’t know what the legal situation in Maryland is around informing past sexual partners.

It is not for you to try and contact his partners or to try and take responsibility for the risk to future partners. His HIV status is a confidential part of his medical history. The clinic and counsellors that you both speak to should talk about both the option to contact previous partners and about the ways to reduce this risk to future partners. If the clinic hasn;t talked about this, the support at AIDS Action Baltimore will give you good advice and options.

It is also important that your boyfriend accesses some support from either mental health specialists or HIV support organizations, particularly as you are worried that he may ‘fall into a depression’. By accessing other support services he would also reduce the pressure on you, so that you can find some space to focus on your own health and happiness.

Good luck and please get in touch with us if you have any questions, or if you need further assistance.