Q and A

Question

How do I tell my partner that I’m HIV positive?

I have a big problem and I need your help, I’m dating a guy who works in the government as a clinic office,but my problem is am HIV positive .I was born with it and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to tell him about it because have slept with him already,and it scares me a lot to tell him cos the guy seems he loves me and I love him too,plz I need your advice,what should I do? Yours faithful

Answer

Thanks for getting in touch.

I appreciate that is can be hard to tell someone that you love about your HIV. More so if you are involved in a sexual relationship with that person.

There’s never an easy way to tell people. But if you see the relationship going forward you may need to tell him. As he works in a clinic he may have a good understanding about HIV.

Have you tried introducing the topic? If you are on treatment and have an undetectable viral load, then the risk of transmission are close to zero. As the recent PARTNER study illustrates:
https://i-base.info/htb/30108

This is perhaps something that you could introduce to him.

87 comments

  1. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Sandra,

    i-base can’t really help you with this. However, in my personal opinion as someone who is positive and whose partner is negative. I couldn’t imagine not being able to talk about my status, nor be open. If my partner wasn’t comfortable with positive people then no matter how much I loved them, the relationship wouldn’t work. You need to ask yourself, can you lie about this forever? Will he feel betrayed if you lie to him? Relationships needs to be made on trust and honesty, if you don’t have these, there in my opinion there are no foundations.

    You shouldn’t be ashamed or worried about your status, you’ve done nothing wrong.

  2. Sandra

    Hi am Sandra
    I found out about my statues 1year ago.am in a relationship with a guy I love and he loves me too, brought up the issue of HIV and he bluntly told me that he can never marry an HIV positive partner .No matter the his affection for her,now scared of telling him and loosing him at the same time.some people advised me get married to him without him knowing about it, am wouldn’t want to keep secret from my husband. I seriously need your advice

  3. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Gabriel,

    As Lisa says above, it can be hard to tell someone you love about your HIV.

    There is no easy way to tell someone you are positive.

    But have you tried to introduce the topic? Sometimes talking in general about HIV gives you the chance to know how open this person will be to discussion.

    You might get a positive response that the person knows about HIV, has had previous partners or family that are positive, or they might even be positive too.

  4. Gabriel

    He loves me and I don’t know how to tell him about my status though I’m undetected. We’ve not had sex. I don’t want to lose him

  5. Roy Trevelion

    Hi Catherine,

    There’s no need to worry about this. It’s great that you’re undetectable. This means HIV cannot be transmitted to your partner even if you don’t use condoms. Please see this link for more info about Undetectable = Untransmittable.

    However, once we test HIV positive we will always test positive. That’s because the test looks for the antibodies we produce to try to fight against HIV. Please see this updated answer to always testing positive.

    Having an undetectable viral load means the risk to your partner is zero.

  6. Catherine

    I discovered that I was positive when I was 22 and started taking my medication ,but after a year was found to be undetectable is there chance that I would be tested negative cause my partner is asking for my HIV test results and I don’t know how he would take it if I be found positive again please help me…

  7. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Joshua,

    It can be hard for positive people, just like it is for negative people to engage in relationships. Unfortunately there isn’t an easy solution to this. It is very possible though to have relationships when positive and with people who are negative, its a case of meeting the right person. So someone who understands that being positive shouldn’t be an issue.

  8. Joshua

    I’m hiv positive,feel already rejected, single seperated with previous girl friend after finding she had infected me with HIV.i single need girl friend, how do I find girl will understand me,we get married.

  9. Lisa Thorley

    Hi Nomsa,

    Please have a read of the above post.

  10. Nomsa

    Hi my name is Nomsa. I need your help. I’m HIV positive and I found a guy whom I love with all my heart. We have not had sex but he wants us to and I don’t know how to tell me that I’m positive because I’m afraid I may lose him.

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