Question
Should I tell my boyfriend I am HIV positive?
19 January 2022. Related: All topics, Disclosure, Sero different couples, Support.
I have been with my boyfriend for a short while and we had unprotected sex. He is pushing for us to get tested (he confirmed that he is HIV negative), and I don’t know how to break this to him. I faced major rejection from my ex-husband whom I’d been honest with from the day I met him. I have been on ART and undetectable for 15 years. I am afraid of telling my boyfriend now since I didn’t disclose my status before, for fear of dealing with the stigma again. Should I just walk away from him although I love him. The truth would break his heart.
Answer
Hi, how are you doing?
I am sorry to hear that your ex-husband left you for this reason. An HIV status positive is not a reason for a relationship to breakdown. Although I do understand that HIV carries stigma and unfortunately people do hold their own views, albeit not favourable.
As you have mentioned, you have a fear of disclosing your status. For what you have said this is more than reason to feel this way. Do you know your boyfriends views towards HIV? Are you able to bring the topic into conversation without explicitly mentioning your own status?
Are you and he aware of U=U? It means if you are undetectable, you cannot transmit HIV. While undetectable you will not even need to use a condom. As you have been undetectable for so long, it means your medication is working well and your boyfriend is not at any risk.
Disclosing is personal. Your status is a something you have to feel comfortable and safe to talk about. Please do not feel pressured into this. You as a person have your own right to privacy. Do you have any close friends/family that you are able to discuss this with? You may be more comfortable with someone with you.
If you have any more questions do get in touch,
Josh.
Hi Olwanda, thank you for sharing your story.
I am sorry to hear how things are currently with your boyfriend. How are you coping in general? Have you been able to speak with anyone about how you are feeling e.g., friends/family or even your doctor?
It is upsetting that you were unable to tell your boyfriend on your own terms. Telling someone your status is a very personal experience. Do you currently feel safe with your boyfriend?
Do you know how your boyfriend feels about HIV? and have you explained that when undetectable and on treatment there is no risk of transmission to him? and that this is called U=U: https://i-base.info/u-equals-u/
As you are struggling with your relationship now, have you been able to have any conversations about this? Some people find it useful to talk about things like this with a third party in the room to help diffuse tension. This might be a friend that is aware of your status, or do it with a doctor in the room who can answer the more clinical questions.
It is excellent that your daughter is doing well and is HIV negative. This shows that your treatment is working and you are not only looking after your own health, but also your families. Don’t feel that you need o apologise for not sharing something so personal. Each person will respond differently to finding out about HIV and making the decision to share the information is not small. It can take years for people to become comfortable to do this.
I want to apologise to my boyfriend for not disclosing my status with him, I’m HIV positive and l’ve been with my ex boyfriend for 15 years but we broke up in 2018. We have 2 kids a boy(18 year old) and a girl(11 year old).
Just a year before we broke up with my ex we were always fighting, he was cheating on me. On our last fight he sent me messages swearing at me and that l have AIDS at the time l wasn’t HIV ( or l thought l wasn’t since my last test when l was pregnant was negative). At first l just responded that if l have AIDS that would mean l got it from you and l didn’t think it through then he kept distant. I went for testing mid 2018 and l tested positive then l started treatment,We officially broke up with my ex on the 01January 2019, then on the 19 February 2019 l met my current boyfriend. We dated to the point where we started having sex. I didn’t disclose my status to him because l was afraid of losing him, and also what if he is going to treat me bad and calls me names like my ex?. We continued having sex without condom and l also didn’t stop taking my meds. I felt pregnant during May 2022.
Now the problem came on the 07 September 2022, he was looking for pain killers for his younger sister when he saw my ARV’s, l was not with him at the time but he took a picture then sends me and asks what are these for?. I was shocked but l didn’t have courage to tell him the truth, l lied and said they for my iron. He went as far as googling them and then he discovered that these are ARV’s. Still l was scared l couldn’t come clean, we went to my doctor because he thought l was given wrong meds and wanted to hear from my doctor that are these really for iron boosting. I only admitted and disclose that I’m HIV positive when we were with the doctor.
He was angry and said that l did this intentionally, l wanted to kill him. But he didn’t brake-up with me, we continued with the relationship but now l could tell that this is hurting him and he doesn’t trust me or even our sex life is not the same anymore. He got tested and he tested negative ( thank God), now we using a condom not that l have problem with that but he is no longer romantic anymore even after sex he would turn his back on me.
Now l want to apologise to him for not disclosing on the first go, l love him so much, we have a beautiful negative baby girl together, l gave birth on the 14 Feb 2023 and he was there every step of the way.
Please help me l want him to look at me the same way he used to when he didn’t know about my status or l want to know if he still loves me the way he used to.