Question

Should my partner tell me they are HIV positive?

20 July 2022. Related: All topics, Disclosure, HIV transmission, Sero different couples.

Is it common for HIV+ to not want to discuss their status and explain? I just had a hook up with somebody and found out they were HIV+, they didn’t disclose it to me before or after. Even when I asked in person if they had anything. I found out they’re positive but apparently, they say they’re undetectable which is why they didn’t feel the need to be honest with me about their status. I have been asking and pestering them with questions because I have severe anxiety and have been super scared about contracting anything. They said that they were diagnosed with HIV in janurary/feburary and are on medication. They said they are undetectable but is the time period safe enough for him to be having unprotected sex? They said they’ve only been on the medication for about 6 months. So I assume they’ve only been undetectable for 3 months. Am I at risk?

This person has blown up on me multiple times and got very angry with me and told me I’m harassing them by pestering them with questions and that they’re going to be reporting me if I do not leave them alone. Is this common? For HIV+ people to be so offended and get so angry whenever people ask them to explain things? I even told him I was super ignorant about everything and just wanted to learn and he just calls me stupid and tells me I’m annoying for continuing to ask questions instead of taking his word that I am safe because he’s undetectable, but has only been for a few months. I’ve read that you should wait at least 6 months after finding out you’re undetectable to have unprotected sex.

I’m so scared that I may have contracted anything. If I do, can I possibly contact the authorities on him? because if he had told me earlier I would have gone to the hospital afterward and got on PEP. It is now too late for me and I’m devastatingly scared.

Answer

Answer: Josh Peasegood

Hi, how are you doing?

This is not a conversation specific about HIV. Instead this is about disclosing something personal to someone. In no way should anyone ever feel pressured or obliged to do this. This can be some being HIV positive, their sexuality, anything of their past. There are too many factors for someone to think they have a right to be told.

This person you hooked up with has already dealt with the stigma of HIV. It’s still heavy in society and possibly even through their family and support. There is no need for them to disclose with a hookup.

They are undetectable. This means there is no risk to you. While some guidelines may suggest being undetectable for longer, this is not needed in practise. You also don’t know how quickly they became undetectable – it could have been after the first month. If you were conscious about STIs why did you not use a condom? Everyone is responsible for their own sexual health.

I understand that you may be anxious but this person is living with HIV and your reaction is how they may deal with it daily. Being asked questions constantly is going to be a source of stress and it is not okay to continue asking. If this person wants to share more information they can in their own time, but if you say you are naive to HIV there are resources online to access to learn – i-base being a prime example.

I imagine this is not the answer you were hoping for, but when someone is doing everything right to treat their HIV, reminding them of stigma is not going to help.

U=U is a great guide to start with understanding why undetectable means that there is no risk to you.

Josh.