Question

My boyfriend has horrible views about HIV

8 March 2023. Related: All topics, South Africa, Support.

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now.

I was born with HIV and me and my boyfriend we were talking about HIV just as a topic.

Then out of nowhere he told me he will never date someone who is HIV positive.

Since he told me that my love for him has decreased and it is not the same as before. I don’t know what to do should I tell him or should I just call off the relationship?

Answer

Answer: Simon Collins

Hi there

Thanks – and I hope you are also okay.

i-Base is mainly for information about treatment, but lots of questions are also about living with HIV where there is no single answer. So the info below is just one way to think about this, and it may or may not be right for you.

First, I want to tell you that you are an amazing person.

You have lived an amazing life and it is so good to hear that you are doing so well. This also means you deserve to have relationships where your partner loves and values you and does this without even thinking about your HIV status.

However well the relationship was going before this talk, it depended on you not sharing your HIV status. Most people would find this difficult. Or maybe more difficult than if their partner knew about and supported them over HIV.

If you are happy on treatment, then being undetectable means there is zero risk to your partner, so they are not at any risk. So if you want your health information about HIV to stay private, this is also your choice. You HIV status is none of your partner’s concern, unless you choose to want to talk about it.

Maybe it is good that you had this recent talk with your boyfriend – even though it doesn’t feel like this at the moment. If it didn’t happen now it would have happened at some time in the future. At least it shows you how he feels. Or it shows you how out of date he is or that he hasn’t has this experience before.

• Maybe he really means the things he said.
• Maybe it was a response to try to show off, based on things he has heard other people say.
• Maybe he has no idea about your HIV status and would feel differently if he knew.

I don’t know anything about your partner so I don’t know which of these options might be true, if any.

You are definitely right to feel hurt and shocked though – and also to feel more distant about the relationship.

Maybe with good information he can change how he feels. did you get a chance to talk about how effective treatment is, without talking about your own status.

If you don’t think he will change, then this is not a good relationship for you. If you think his reaction would be bad or even violent, then you might want to cool the relationship now without talking any more about HIV.

Do you have any close friends or family that you can talk about this with?

They will know your situation better and will also want you to be happy and supported. Talking to a health advisor at your clinic might also help.

best wishes for whatever you decide.