Question
How do I educate my negative partner that we can still have sex safely?
8 July 2010. Related: All topics, HIV transmission, Newly diagnosed, Support.
Hi,
I had a few questions for you about HIV discordant couples, when one partner is HIV-positive and the other HIV-negative.
I recently tested positive for HIV a few weeks ago. It has been tough on me and my partner who is still negative. My partner says he will never have sex with me again (and that’s fine with me after all it is his choice) but I have tried educating him on the fact that if we use safe sex he will not contract it but I still can’t change his mind.
We have been dating off and on for a year now, I had a one night stand about 7 months ago and apparently got it from that guy (although I have seen his recent test papers and he is negative) so my partner and I have been having unprotected sex since then but he still has not contracted it. I think because I am a bottom he is at a much lower risk.
I was hoping you could give me some advice on how to educate my partner and to let him know if we have safe sex he will remain HIV negative.
Answer
Thank you for your question.
I am sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. Finding out you are HIV positive is a very emotional process and you and your partner will need time to come to terms with it.
It is also clearly very difficult for your partner, and worrying about logic and HIV risk is unlikely to help. I expect your partner is more focused on issues of trust as much as HIV, and the shock that he came so close to catching HIV may take much more than information about clinical risks.
Your partner may benefit from talking these issues through with either a counsellor or health advisor, and this may be something that at some point you consider together.
Some relationships survive an HIV diagnosis, and others don’t. This probably involves understanding and accepting the factors behind how you caught HIV and about your relationship beforehand.
It is not surprising that your partner does not trust facts about risk of catching HIV as from the information you have included you can not explain how you caught HIV yourself – ie ‘one exposure to an HIV-negative person’.
Safe sex can easily protect your partner in the future, and there is lots of information about this, but I do not think think this information in itself will help much until he decides that he wants to return to a sexual relationship first.
If you get to this stage, the following links to earlier questions may help:
Lower risks if you are on treatment with an undetectable viral load
It may help your partner to know he is not alone in his fear of infection by encouraging him to read the questions found at this link on TheBody.com.
Please let us know how you get on.
Best wishes
This is a brilliant answer. I just wanted to say that I agree, it’s probably as much about trust issues as it is about HIV, your partner might be more receptive to information about safe sex comming from a health professional.
This situation does not mean that no one would want to have sexual relationships with you or that you’re doomed to castration if you disclose your hiv status, but simply that this partner isn’t ready/willing to have safe sex.