Question
Should I tell my partner I am positive if I am undetectable?
4 July 2016. Related: All topics, HIV transmission, Sero different couples, Support.
Should I tell my new boyfriend about my HIV status as I am undetectable?
I am afraid he would not understand and he does not want to use condoms..
Answer
Hi
Thanks for the question – lots of issues and not one answer…
Firstly, undetectable viral load mean that your partner will not catch HIV, even if you don’t use condoms. I have not heard of this occurring under these circumstances.
Secondly, I worry that you are with someone who won;t use condoms even if this is your choice. That is not good for you or showing respect for you.
Thirdly, this is 2016 and if this person is not together enough to understand how HIV is no risk to him, then this is definitely good new for you or the partnership. You need to be with someone who values everything about you and who can get his head around HIV to be with you.
Having said all this, I know the world isn’t alwasy an easy place and sometimes there are reasons to let someone get to know you a bit as a time, as you get more confident to trust them.
One important caution, as your email said you are in the US, is that many US states have very serious laws against not telling partners that you are positive. The are cases where HIV positive people have been prosectuted even though viral load is undetectable.
Perhaps see how the person responds to general discussion about HIV – next time something is in the news. you can use his reaction as a guide to whether youthink his views are open enough to change with time.
Hi Harriet,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a difficult time. Being diagnosed with HIV can be hard, more so when you’re pregnant. Is there anyone who you can talk to? Or is there a HIV support group near to where you live?
With regards to your question. I really can’t say. Some people are fine when they are told that their partner is positive, others, not so. Maybe he just needs some time to come to terms with your diagnoses. Also, is there a chance that he may also be positive?
If you do get a chance to talk to him, it might help if you explain to him that because you’re on medication the risk of transmission once your viral load is undetectable is close to zero. There’s more about this here:
http://i-base.info/qa-on-the-partner-study/
Though this may be a very difficult time, you’re doing really well. Being on medication will not only help you, but it’ll reduce the risk of transmission to your baby. This is really important. For now try and relax and think about yourself and your baby. The following guide may also be of some help:
http://i-base.info/guides/pregnancy
I am 4months pregnant and discovered that I’m HIV positive. I started taking meds immediately for the protection of my baby. I told my fiance about it and he rejected me. Is there anything I can do to win him back.