Question

How do I tell my partner I am positive?

2 July 2023. Related: All topics, Living with HIV long-term, Sero different couples, South Africa.

I am in a long distance relationship,now it’s been five months. I am hiv positive and undetected but not sure if I should tell my boyfriend when we meet for the first time next month.

Answer

Answer: Simon Collins

Hi there

Thanks for your question.

Although this Q&A service is for information about HIV treatment, this question is still asked a lot.

And the answer is that there is not an easy answer. There are no formal studies about this. And even if there were, the answers would vary for different people in different countries and at different times.

For example, I live in the UK and have been lucky to be out about being HIV positive for a long time. This includes with friends and family and potential partners. I find this is easier – but I am also lucky to be able to do this.

I hear of lots of people where partners understand about HIV and so this isn’t a problem. I hear of other cases where the partner just disappears without even talking. I am sure in some of these cases the partners are also HIV positive themselves but don’t test or are in denial.

I also hear of times when the partner replies: “cool, me too, how are you doing?”

This range of responses usually is linked to how much the partner knows about HIV and treatment.

• If they know we can have a near normal lifespan.
• If they know about U=U and that the meds prevent HIV transmission, even without a condom.
• If they know the meds mean it is easy to have a family and for the children to not have HIV. Or to do this without the partner risking HIV.

Before talking about your own status, it helps to know in general how your partner thinks about HIV? What do they know? What is their experience?