Question

Recently diagnosed – why didn’t the clinic tell me about my husband?

29 May 2021. Related: All topics, HIV transmission, Newly diagnosed, Support.

Hi,  I have recently been diagnosed with HIV. Last year my husband was first diagnose with meningitis and a month after with tb meningitis here. Then after everything went wrong he then developed a skin disorder which result in him being hospitalized. I then after a year learned he was HIV positive which shocked me and I had myself tested and it came through as positive I’m still trying to process it since we are married 20 years and I have never ever been unfaitlfull to him. I still try to process this whole change in my life and I have children by him.

My argument is why he never recieved counselling. Why was I not notified or counselled. In the time he was diagnosed what procedure was to be put in to place because to my knowledge if this is a transmitted decease why wasn’t I protected. I still tested negative in 2019. Please advice as I need this.

Answer

Answer: Simon Collins

Hi

Thanks. I am sorry to hear how difficult things must have been and thanks for sharing something of this experience.

How are you doing as this must be a confusing time and it sounds like you were not expecting this.

Although I don’t have answers to all your questions, I can tell you that many other people have gone through similar experiences. There is no one way to help your come to terms with what has happened. Even without know the details I think it is likely that your husband did not make any of this happen deliberately – although that is no excuse for him not talking to you earlier.

Although you expected the clinic to tell you, for various reasons this rarely happens. The clinic may not have known about your or that you were at any risk, for example.

I am HIV positive too and I have spoken to maybe thousands of people over many years. One of ot the things that make this easier is if you can find a way to look forward, rather than back. The past can’t be undone, but the future still has so much to be positive about.

This is not making any comment about the relationship with your husband. You might, by talking, find a way to understand what happened and to continue together. Counselling now night help you in a way that it didn’t help him. You might also decide you either need time to think or that you don’t want this relationship to continue.

If you haven’t already been told, or maybe don’t belief it, mosern HIV treatment are VERY effective. They can keep you healthy to have a normal life span. You can carry on with your previous plans, including raising your family and go one to have grandchildren.

So my first questions are focussed just on you.

• Do you have results from the first blood tests yet? These are called a CD4 count and viral load.
• Do you have a good relationship with your doctor?
• Do you have access to HIV treatment?
• Do you know anyone else who is HIV positive or have you been able to tell any of your friends and family.

If it would help to write to i-Base in confidence rather than replying online, please email:
questions@i-Base.org.uk and ask for this to be answered by me.

My name is Simon and slowly you will get through everything okay – even if it doesn’t feel like this right now :)