Question

My wife has changed since learning I am HIV positive

18 August 2022. Related: All topics, Sero different couples, Sexual health, Support.

Hi, I am HIV positive and my wife tested negative but from the time I told her she has changed. It has now been two years and she refused to sleep with me even if am using condoms. Please I am confused I need help. I still luv her and we have two kids please help

Answer

Answer: Simon Collins

Hi there

Thanks for your questions.

Apart from the issues with you wife, how are you doing? It your health okay and are you now doing well on treatment?

I am sorry that I cannot explain your wife’s response but the following suggestions might help.

Whatever the reasons for your wife’s changes, it is important for you to both talk. This will at least help you understand how to move forward and whether things could improve.

1. Is your wife afraid of HIV for her own health?
2. Is your wife upset about the way you became HIV positive?
3. Is your wife using HIV as an excuse about other issues?

Most people are frightened about catching HIV, and this can take time to overcome. This is maybe the easiest option to deal with. Firstly, condoms are highly effective. Secondly, if you are on treatment with an undetectable viral load, your wife can’t catch HIV even if you don’t use condoms. See this info on U=U:
https://i-base.info/u-equals-u

If your wife is upset about the way you became HIV positive, then talking, perhaps with a councillor might also help. I only mention this because it sounds like you might have become HIV positive after you were married.

Talking might also let you understand whether HIV is the reason for the changes or whether HIV is being used to coverup other issues.

Whatever the causes, it sounds like this might involve issues about her personal risk, but also maybe trust. Counselling can often be very effective and I hope that things get easier.

Understanding the reasons behind the changes can help you both make plans for the future.