Question
Is this normal or am I depressed?
9 December 2011. Related: All topics, Living with HIV long-term, Newly diagnosed, Side effects, Support.
Is this normal? I don’t care if I live or die, or become ill with HIV or get an opportunistic infection or if it’s fatal.
I’ve been diagnosed HIV for just over 4 years and wouldn’t say I am particularly depressed, but I don’t care about myself, my life, I eat crap takeaways all the time and generally abuse my body.
I am detached from any emotions or feelings towards anyone or anything, and I really don’t care if I catch any resistant HIV strains or become secondary infected etc or if I live or die, or how my family would feel if I did die.
Answer
Hi
The things you are describing make it sounds like you are depressed, but that you don’t realise this. Coping on a day to day basis makes it difficult to know this yourself.
Because I don’t know you I don’t know if this was part of your character before you were diagnosed, or whether this is a reaction to your diagnosis that you have never had a chance to resolve.
So while this is not normal (whatever ‘normal’ is),, the feelings you describe are also not unusual if you have not had a chance to talk in depth about why you feel this way.
Clinical depression isn’t judged by a lab test but by this sort of dissociation from everyday things in life that would normally give you pleasure and make you value your life.
If you felt like this before your diagnosis, this depression could easily be a factor in why you became HIV positive.
Life is good, and HIV shouldn’t make you feel less of a person. I’m sure your friends and family would be really upset to know you feel this way.
Because you live in the UK, your doctor should be able to arrange counselling sessions with either a health advisor or a counsellor. But you will need to speak to your doctor so that he is clear about how you feel.
It may help to print out this Q&A and take it with you to your next appointment, if you find it difficult to talk about.
You may also be able to get similar services from the THT or your local HIV organisation.
Finally, if you are on treatment and one of your meds is efavirenz (Sustiva or Atripla) these meds may be making these feelings worse and would be a reason to switch to alternative HIV meds.
Please also write to me off line if this would help.
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