Question
I am HIV negative, my girlfriend is positive. Can we have a baby?
15 January 2017. Related: All topics, Pregnancy, Sero different couples.
I’m currently dating this woman who has HIV and hepatitis B. She didn’t
tell me she had this. We didn’t have sex as she didn’t want to.
So a couple months went by. We were at her house. Then she told me she had HIV and hepatitis B. I didn’t know what to say or do. She takes care of herself by taking her meds and eats right.
She says her count is low. I still don’t know what that means. But anyways, I’ve grown to love and want a future with her.
We had sex a few times after she told me. I used protection. But I love this woman. And I want to marry her someday. And have kids with her.
She had boyfriends before we met and they never got infected.
My question is. Her count is low and if don’t use protection can I get infected. And what about the day I marry her and we want to have kids?
How do we make this happen without me getting infected?
I really love this woman. Please help I’m confused.
Answer
Firstly it is really good that you love and support and want to start a family with your girlfriend. Modern HIV treatment means this is all easy to do.
Many sero-different couples (where one is HIV positive and the other is not) decide to do have children and their partners and babies are HIV negative.
Can you please confirm whether you were referring to her CD4 count or her viral load.
CD4 and viral load tests are tests that are used to monitor the health of people living with HIV. CD4 tests measure a person’s immune system. Results are usually given as cells (per cubic mm). Above 500 is considered normal, but above 350 is still very good.
Viral load tests tell you how much virus there is in your body. If someone is on treatment, viral load tests also show how well the treatment is working. The aim of treatment is to get the viral load to undetectable (below 50 copies). If therefore you were referring to your girlfriend as having an undetectable viral load, then this is good.
You mention that your girlfriend is taking meds. Are you referring to ARVs (antiretroviral treatment for HIV)? Being on treatment and having an undetectable viral load dramatically reduces the chance of your girlfriend passing HIV onto you.
In response to your question, it is possible for you and your girlfriend to have a baby without you catching HIV. There are a number of options available to couples like you.
The simplest option is just to conceive normally. In your partner has an undetectable viral load, you will not be at risk. This article explains why U=U (undetectable viral load = untransmittable HIV).
https://i-base.info/htb/32308
As with any planned pregnancy it is good to talk to your doctor for best ways to conceive. For example knowing the best times. Ovulation takes place in the middle of her monthly cycle, about 14 days before her period.
For more information please follow this link to our guide to HIV pregnancy and women’s health.
Your girlfriend may also find it helpful to read the guide as it answers a lot of general questions around HIV and pregnancy.
Good luck with your future plans.
The information in this answer was updated in January 2017 from a post in March 2012. Please see: Question 6 at this link for more information.
Hi,
It is great that you are thinking about having a baby. Many HIV positive people are able to safely have HIV negative babies.
You can find more information here:
http://i-base.info/guides/pregnancy
Hi am 34 and am positive I need to have a baby what must I do
Hi Marosa
This may be a difficult time for both of you but it will get better. Learning about HIV can help but taking time to come to terms with this is the most important thing. It is great that you are there to support each other, so take things slowly. Without knowing the result of your boyfriends CD4 count I can’t comment on his health but treatment is very good and effective. If there are problems with symptoms, his doctor needs to know. this is to decide whether they are cause by another illness or are side effects of the meds. This is especially important if his CD4 count was below 50. See this question: http://i-base.info/qa/10253
hi i hav a boyfriend who is HIV positive and am negative. he just found out now tht he is positive .it started as flu. i really love this guy but i don’t know how to treat him at home as he feels like am now treating him difference.He started to take arvs but he is still so weak he iz very sick. can you tell me how come bcoz he is taking hiz medz and eating healthy
Information on oral sex is included in this online guide:
http://i-base.info/guides/testing
This is likely to very be low even if your girlfriend is not on treatment. If your girlfriend is on HIV meds and has an undetectable viral load, this very low risk becomes even closer to zero.
I am HIV negative, my girlfriend is positive. We had sex before using protection and we also does oral sex. How risky is it that I could get HIV? and I love her, I’m supportive even after she told me that she is positive I stil feel the same way.
Hi Ziyanda
It is great that you have found someone who you feel this strongly about. If he feels just as strongly about you, then he will want to use a condom. In fact, he should not want to put you at any risk.
This is especially important if you haven’t had sex before. Sometimes women bleed on the first time. This would increase your risk of HIV. For both of you, this isn’t something that you need to do to make your relationship work.
In the long term, if your boyfriend starts HIV treatment and gets an “undetectable” viral load, then in the future you may not always needs to use condoms. He would have to be very good with taking the meds though as missing doses could make him more infectious again.
Even if he is on treatment now with an undetectable viral load, taking things gently the first time and using a condom will make you feel better afterwards.
If you are really serious about this guy, you will have time to work out lots of big issues together. This is a good place to start practising by talking this over together.
If he see’s that you are serious about your own health he is also more likely to trust you with looking after his health too – and as he is HIV positive this is important.
Try talking this over together to see how you both feel.
if you have other questions that you don’t want to discuss here and you can send me a question from this page.
http://i-base.info/qa/ask-a-question
If you include your email I can contact you back.
I have a boyfriend who he is HIV positive he’s so loveable and takes care of me bt m scared to have sex with him, and he want us to getting married. I also want to marry him. My problem is Im still a virgin n I wsh dat he can be the person who will have sex first and without a condom. I need advice please. Coz I dnt want to lose him “I luv dis guy. He make me feel so special.
Hi Shayet
There are lots of options that this could get better.
Your boyfriend may still just be in shock. Just like finding out you are positive, it is difficult for a partner too. Just as it took you time to adjust, this will be the same for your partner. Part of this just takes time.
Accurate information may help.
Firstly, everyone knows that HIV is not transmitted by kissing. There is really good evidence for this. But when someone knows their partner is HIV positive, this changes it for people. No idea why but it takes time. He may also benefit from counselling.
Secondly, if you are not yet on treatment, condoms will protect your partner from catching HIV. Again, really good evidence. If you use condoms carefully and correctly, this will be close to 100% protection.
Thirdly, in the longer term, if you are on treatment or when you start treatment, the risk of transmission drops to close to zero, even if you are not using condoms. This information may be particularly of interest for your boyfriend.
Please see this link to the results from the PARTNER study.
http://i-base.info/htb/24904
The PARTNER study report zero HIV transmissions within about 800 couple and after more than 44,500 times when a positive partner had sex without a condom when they also had an undetectable viral load.
It also means you can safely have a family if this is part of your worry.
However, if this information or counselling doesn’t help, and things don;t get better with time, then this may not be a good relationship for you. You cannot be with someone who only see’s the HIV and who is too scared to get past this to see you for the person that you are. Especially given there are plenty of ways to ensure he stays HIV negative.
Good luck, however things work out.
What will i do i told my boyfriend am positive but he is scared of kissing me ever since i ve told him about my status his moves towards me changes. I don’t know what to tell him anymore cause i love him so much. if i insist that we should be together it will be like i dont care about him. I love him and i want to be with him what do i do now