Question
How can I tell my partner about HIV?
18 April 2025. Related: All topics, Pregnancy, Sero different couples, Support.
Hi there, I tested HIV positive August 2024, and started meditation, then November 2024 I had unprotected sex.
It has now been 5 months we’ve been having sex without condoms with my partner and 8 months on medication.
Is my partner at risk? and how can I tell him about my status because I’m scared HIV is a big turn off to him.
He doesn’t like it and he wants us to have a baby. I don’t want to lose him please
My boyfriend dislikes the word HIV, so I’m scared of telling him my status
Answer
Hi there
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time.
Also, that there isn’t an easy answer to your question which covers very different issues.
U=U means no risk to your boyfriend?
The Q about risk to your partner is easy.
Your boyfriend has not been at risk because you were on ART (HIV meds) for three months before you met.
- ART reduces viral load very quickly. Most people become undetectable within three months especially if your meds are TLD.
- Having an undetectable viral load is very good for your health.
- It also protects your partner from HIV, even if you don’t use condoms. Please see this link on U=U. It stands for Undetectable = Untransmittable.
- The meds will also protect your baby if you decide to have children.
How to tell your boyfriend?
This question is more difficult because there are lots of different options.
First though, it is really good that you want to tell your boyfriend.
If this is someone you want to be with you need someone who supports you in all your life. Especially if you want to have a family together.
Sometimes it can help to talk about HIV in general. For example if HIV is mentioned on the radio or TV. Or if you both have friends who are living with HIV.
This could be a way to talk about modern HIV meds and about U=U to see how he reacts.
- Do you know why is he so angry about HIV?
- Does he know people who are positive?
- Does he know about U=U?
- Do you think he can change?
These things might affect how you talk about HIV. It he is open to learning then this will be easier. If he is not interested in learning this might make being with him difficult.
You didn’t say how old you both are, but if your boyfriend is still young, he might just be new to HIV or is just scared about it.
Your worries about losing your boyfriend
If things go well, your boyfriend has the chance to learn about HIV.
He could learn that modern meds means you can live a normal life, including having children if this is what you want. It means that your partner will not be at risk of HIV whether or not you use condoms.
Sometimes people who are most angry about HIV have other issues too. For example, does your partner test regularly and is there a chance he might also be living with HIV?
Also, are you worried about his reaction if you told him now? For example, if he has a bad temper when he is angry? Or are you worried mainly that he will just walk away?
Concerns about you
Finally, although you ask about your boyfriend, I want to make sure you are ok.
- Do you know other people who are positive?
- Have you been able to tell anyone else about this?
- HIV takes a while to get used to, even when you are doing really well on meds.
You have been really strong to have managed HIV and treatment so well.
You deserve a boyfirend who can learn about HIV and treatment today and so I hope everything goes well.
Please talk to the friends or family that you trust and see what they say too. And if you haven’t told anyone else, perhaps see if there is a support group of other women living with HIV who you can contact.
Good luck in the future whatever you decide.
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